Attachment with Babies

Providing consistent, responsive and sensitive love and care for the first few months can help your baby develop. Unresponsive care can lead to attachment problems which can have an ongoing negative effect on your baby’s development.

Human beings are designed to connect together – we all need a safe and secure base. People who have had strong attachments as babies develop an inner sense of security, enjoy trusting long-term relationships, seek out support and have an ability to share feeling with others.

Who do babies attach to?

Babies develop attachment relationships with their main caregiver over the first few months of life. Babies can form attachments with more than one person. In fact, if there is a problem with the relationship between the caregiver and baby, e.g if the mother is depressed or very distracted, a secure attachment relationship with another caring person can help balance this, giving the baby a positive relationship model. This can be mother, father, grandparent, key child care worker or anyone who has a main role in caring for the child.

Attachment to others does not affect a baby’s attachment to his or her main caregiver. It helps them learn about being close to people.

However, if babies have too many different caregivers and different relationship patterns to adjust to, it can be difficult for them to be able to develop secure relationships. For example they may have problems with sleep or feeding (although there are many other causes for sleep and feeding problems!).

What are attachment behaviours?

Attachment behaviours are when babies and toddlers try to get comfort and protection from the people they feel attached to.

This can be by smiling and cooing, crawling and following, holding out their arms, crying and many other signals that parents and carers learn to know.

When the child gets an appropriate response, such as eye contact, a smile, a touch or a quick cuddle while feeling safe, the child is free to relax, play, explore and learn again.

If the response is not sensitive to the baby’s needs, for example if the baby feels ignored or punished, they continue to feel anxious or afraid by the attachment behaviour. For example, if the parent thinks a toddler should be brave and urges her to leave the safety of being close before he or she is ready, the child is likely to feel afraid and be clingy. Some babies or toddlers who are very afraid eventually give up trying.

Helping children feel safe first is the best way to encourage them to be brave.

Responding to babies’ cues

Responding to babies’ cues not only help to develop secure attachment but also is the foundation of a two-way communication.

Approaching our babies calmly and gently requires most of us to slow down.  This may mean that we have to make changes to our own lifestyles in order to be with our babies at their pace, allowing us to notice their signals to us.

Even young babies can give signals for attention, and also signals for when the care is not quite right.

To show they need attention young babies may:

• make eye contact
• make little noises
• smile
• copy the parent’s gestures
• look relaxed and interested

To show when they need a break or perhaps a different, gentler approach young babies may:

• look away
• shut their eyes
• try to struggle or pull away
• yawn
• look tense and unsettled
• cry

It is important to respond to these signals in ways that meet your baby’s needs because this says to the baby they have been heard and responded to. Your baby is then begins to develop a sense of independence. When your baby lets you know she needs a break, it is important to understand that they are not rejecting you, but are simply indicating her their needs. Small babies cannot yet think about someone else’s needs.

Babies will develop their own special ways of showing what they need and special patterns of interaction with their parents.

Attachment and separation

By the time your baby is about 6 months old, they will become attached to the people who care for them the most. These people will be their safe base in exploring the world for the next few years, until they are old enough to feel really secure without your guidance. This can also bring their fears of people they do not know very well, sometimes with another parent or a loving grandparent.

This is part of learning to feel safe in the world and they will soon learn how to feel safe again with other people. When your provide your baby with reassurance, in time they will respond appropriately.

When they are about three or four, babies and toddlers are able to gradually manage longer separations from their special people. At first they continually check – even follow you into the toilet once they can crawl. From time to time, they will move away and play for a while but check back by looking for you or coming to you. This is how they develop confidence. At this age, they can usually manage a full or half day with other people while not being upset, however, some children take longer to adapt to this. It depends on their temperament and their early experiences. This is sometimes known as the ‘Circle of security’.

Helping babies have secure attachments

Much research has gone into looking at the best ways to give babies secure foundations.

Have realistic expectations of what babies can do. Knowing how babies develop means you don’t expect them to be able to do things that they can’t.

For example, some parents think that young babies are trying to manipulate them when they cry at night. It’s important to learn that young babies don’t remember you’re there when you’re not in their sight. They cry because they need something and if parents come when they cry, and comfort them, they eventually learn to know that the world is safe, making them cry less.

Be willing to take time to be with your baby and learn to “read” their  messages.

Young babies often give very small signals for what they need. The carer needs to learn their baby’s signals in order to respond to them.

Be able to respect and think about the baby as a separate person with their own needs, wants and feelings. Think about how it feels for a baby to be suddenly picked up without warning and put down somewhere else, or have a nappy change or being handed to a stranger. Have support for yourself – have someone to talk things over with, to encourage you when you are doing well and to give you a break when you need it.

It is often much harder to learn, understand and respond to little babies, so parents need support too. Have some understanding of your own parenting, what your parenting means to you and how it affects the way you feel about caring for children (because it always does).