5 TIPS ON HOW TO TALK TO CHILDREN ABOUT DEATH

By Karli Steenkamp  

As parents, we want to shield our kids and put them in a bubble. The reality is that we have to equip them with skills and knowledge to know how to process difficult times. Death is a topic no one wants to talk about, however it is inevitable. The GroundSwell Project is transforming the way Australians think and respond about death. This project was established in 2009 by Clinical Psychologist Kerrie Noonan and Playwright Peta Murray. Both want to educate people to have a better understanding of death literacy and how to embrace death.  

There is a huge need for a project like The GroundSwell Project. According to Noonan, there needs to be a creative approach when talking about death. Only 24% of Australians feel comfortable with talking about death, dying or loss. We need to be more open about these “taboo” topics. “ if discussions about death with children are avoided, it sends the message that death should be feared instead of being part of life.” 

In August the annual “Dying to know Day” centres around conversations and curiosities that builds death literacy. 

One of the main reasons parents don’t want to talk to children about death is the fear of making the situation worse or causing more hurt. When we are fearful, our thinking shuts down instead of opening up – so even if our gut feeling is “I really want to talk to my child about a death”, we can ignore our best judgement. To shield our kids from death goes against the natural resilience that children have. 

Tips on how to talk to children about death: 

1. Don’t compare death to sleeping 

If you tell a child someone is sleeping, it can be very confusing and scary. They can be afraid to fall asleep.  

1. The significance of inclusion  

There is no ‘best age’ to talk about death. The best time is to talk about it when it happens. It is through experience that people learn best, so include them in hospital visits and dying rituals. This gives them enough time to come to terms with it. 

1. Use plain language 

Use simple words and phrases when you are talking to a child about death. Use plain language such as dead, died, their heart stopped and coffin. An example of what to say is “his heart stopped beating and then his body stopped working and he died.” Be straightforward and give them the facts. 

1. Teachable moments 

There are many moments that one can use to talk about death. Don’t flush the goldfish or quickly replace pets that die. Children learn a great deal from pet funerals and about grief.  

1. Be honest and give children space 

Don’t rush the grieving process. Grief usually comes in short intense bursts. Children grieve differently than adults and this can take several days, weeks and months as they become more curious.  

Psychologist Kerrie Noonan shared her thoughts with My Child Magazine and why The GroundSwell Project is changing the way we think about death in this exclusive Q&A. 

On the point of inclusion, do you think children should be included in every ritual like open caskets and cremation?  

Yes. Adults who have grown up in families where they participated in family rituals around death and loss don’t have distressing memories. They have memories of being included and taking part in the family and culture. Children cope better when they have small jobs to do. It might be handing out the memorial books, writing a poem or finding photos.  

Parents are unsure about how honest they should be when questions come up. What advice would you give parents who are afraid that their children will be scared if they know the facts? 

My own personal experience was when our family dog were euthanised. My kids took him home and conducted their own funeral including a wake with friends at the local café. It was still sad and distressing at times, but they knew what to expect. This demonstrated how death and loss are absolutely part of family life. The trick as a parent is allowing it to happen. 

When do parents know what is normal grief and when should you get help for your child? 

Most parents have everything they need to support their children following death. Extra cuddles and giving them space when they need it. You should start worrying when a child isn’t sleeping well or eating more or less, can’t concentrate on their school work or sports. Children are good at letting adults know either through their behaviour or telling you directly that they feel a bit stuck or overwhelmed by their grief. Talk to your children about what you are worried about and make a plan to see a counsellor or psychologist if needed. Adults are also role models for children – don’t hide your emotions or pretend. Talk about how you are coping too. A great deal of learning happens when we share our grief with our children.  

Many movies, TV and books revolve around themes of loss and resolution. Watching them and discussing the themes with your children are a great way to talk about death.  

Death is part of life and children should learn to cope with that grief. It is never easy, but no one needs to go through grieving alone. Be there for each other and also let yourself feel.