APOLOGISING TO YOUR CHILD: WHEN SHOULD YOU APOLOGISE
Written by Liza John
In any relationship there are a few big words that make or break the relationship. “I love you”, “I’ll be there for you”, and “I’m sorry” are some of those. The relationship with your child is the same as any other relationship, there are times when you must tell them you love them, give them reassurance, guidance and then there are times where you must apologise.
Most parents insist on their children apologising to others regularly when they do something wrong. However, when it comes to apologising to them, parents take a back seat, often resisting it.
The usual justifications are that when you apologise, children may lose the respect they have for you. But experts suggest that the opposite is true. Apologising for your mistakes does not mean that you lose the right to correct your children, they’ll still respect you, just the way you respect someone when they own up to their mistakes.
What If You Don’t Apologise?
When you don’t apologise, you give out wrong messages to your child. They associate apologising to wrongdoing and delinquency and attach a feeling of shame to it. They may think that apologising lowers your status or respect and is something that shouldn’t be done unless you’re forced to. Your child might feel that it is okay to make mistakes and not acknowledge them or try to reduce or repair the damage.
Is this the idea you want to give your child? Clearly not. Wouldn’t it be better to teach them that we all make mistakes from time to time and what’s important is that we try to make things better? Teach them that there’s no shame involved with apologising and that you only gain respect when you apologise.
When Should You Apologise and How:
Apologise Easy
When you feel like you’ve acted in a way you don’t want your child to behave like, apologise. Apologise even for those little accidental mistakes where you go “oops”.
You don’t have to apologise for putting limits on your child or saying no in an appropriate manner. But when it so happens, which surely will happen, that you lose your cool and let emotions take control over your actions, apologise. You don’t want your child to follow your path and throw tantrums now, do you?
Validate Your Child’s Feelings
In cases where you think that something is trivial or not worth fretting over, but your child thinks it is a huge deal, acknowledge their emotions. Understand that they are kids and that they will get excited or hyped up over childish things. Don’t dismiss their feelings.
Imagine a scenario where your child asked you to get something when you return home from work or the store and you forgot. Instead of nonchalantly telling them that you’ll get it tomorrow, try to say something along the lines of “I know you were counting on me, I’m sorry that I completely forgot about it.” and then give them an alternative option.
Give Them an Explanation
Now yes, you could just give them plain “I’m sorry” and then move on with your stuff. Yes, some days we just don’t have the energy to deal with all of it. But still try to give them a decent enough explanation for your actions or behaviour. Unless you do that, the apology wouldn’t feel authentic and would rather be felt as forced.
No Excuses
NO! Just NO! Don’t come up with excuses or try to shift the blame. Accept that you made a mistake, and genuinely apologise for it. It’s that simple. Don’t go for the classic “I yelled, but you deserved it.”, this isn’t a game of tit for tat. Your goal is to model good behaviour for your child to look up to.
Take responsibility whenever you can. You’re the adult here, and you have the maturity and authority to deal with these situations.
Reconcile
A simple “Are we ready for a hug?” would be enough to help your child let go of the bitterness and make the leap to reconnect with you emotionally. Don’t force your child to forgive you before they are ready. They shouldn’t feel pressured to do this. If the child isn’t ready to forgive, just let them know that you are willing to resolve any bitterness they have latched onto.