BECOMING A FATHER – THINGS I WISH I KNEW

Written by Caroline Meyer

Being dad to a child can be a very daunting task. For some dads the panic sets in on hearing:” I’m pregnant” while for other dads, it may not kick in until after baby is born. For me, the last 2 months of pregnancy were petrifying! I knew there was a baby coming but besides the occasional scan, I was battling to get my head around it. Would I bond with the baby? How will I know what to do? Will I be a good dad? How can I tell if I’m parenting right? So many questions.  I’m going to list just a few of the ones I struggled with while becoming a dad which may help a new father-to-be in some small way.  

LABOUR  

We had discussed this a few times. The hospital bag was packed; the plans were all in place. It seemed like it would be a breeze! Cue baby that decided to come 2 weeks earlier than anticipated and in the middle of the night. I was woken from a deep sleep by a panicked spouse. My head was fuzzy, I was tired and everything we had planned went right out of my head. I managed to get the bag into the car and helped my wife get dressed. I was timing the contractions, but I was not sure on how far apart they needed to be before we headed to the hospital or even what the contraction looked like. I went according to my wife’s groans of discomfort and headed to the hospital when they were 5 minutes apart, hoping that I was getting this right. Luckily the hospital is only 10 minutes’ drive away.  I found myself relying on my wife for cues and instructions, where I should have been much better prepared.   

BEING SUPPORTIVE  

If I had been better prepared, I would also have been able to offer more support.  You are in this together and you have as much responsibility as your partner does. I realised in the labour ward that nothing I said could make any difference to what she was going through. All I could do was offer a hand to hold, ice-chips to suck on and to listen to her curse me for the pain she was going through. Trying to offer anything else is not constructive. We really do have no idea what a woman goes through in childbirth. I realized that a trained doula offered a lot more than I could except to just be there and tell my partner how great she is and how proud I am.  

DECISIONS AT THE HOSPITAL  

I wish I had known beforehand all the medical decisions that would or could be made on the day. You may not even know enough to be able to decide which options are best, but you find yourself signing papers allowing medical professionals to do all sorts of things. I didn’t know what the long-term effects would be or any common side effects from different procedures.  My wife was not in a state to decide coherently either at this point, so I had to sign off on things with very little knowledge. Not a good position to be in. I wish I had read more on the possible issues that could occur and discussed it with my wife long before we were at the hospital awaiting our child’s entry.  

THE BIRTH  

My wife had natural birth with an epidural, so part of the labour was at least a lot more comfortable. To go from that to the screams and obvious pain that kicked in before baby came out was distressing for me as well. I did not realize how much pain she would be in or how messy the process is. Hearing my little girl cry was extremely emotional for me and I found myself sobbing with joy tinged with relief.  I was handed my little baby to hold and I instinctively knew how to how her. The love just wells up inside. I was a Dad.   

I had taken paternity leave so I could spend the first few days of my daughter’s life at home with her and my wife. I found myself having to run up and down doing things I would never have imagined before to help my wife. She was exhausted and had a tear which needed to heal. She was breastfeeding which as well drained her quite a bit at the start. I did the night shift to give her a few hours extra sleep. I learned to change nappies and how to bath a tiny, squirming little person. I wish I had taken some extra some and had not gone back to work so soon. I could’ve been more supportive and spent even more quality time bonding with my child. For the next one, I will take some annual leave as well to supplement the paternity leave. I know my partner will appreciate it and I will enjoy spending more time with my new baby. I will also do a lot more research and be more supportive. While scary and full of challenges, this is one of the highlights of my life and I am grateful for every minute of it.