BLENDED FAMILIES: EXES AND IN-LAWS

Written by: Caroline Mayer

When you marry someone, you generally become part of their extended family as well. When you marry into a family where there are exes and children involved, the extended family becomes decidedly larger.  It is important that the children are allowed to keep in contact with their extended family as well as get to know everyone in their new family as well. This helps children feel secure and gives them something to be part of. Belonging is very important to children of all ages. 

Relationships may change 

After a death, or a divorce, there may be many relationships that change.  Sometimes the families on either side no longer want to have anything to do with you or your spouse. This is something you will need to explain to the children as well and reassure them that it is not their fault or due to anything that they have done. Sometimes these relationships fade over longer periods, which may be easier for everyone in the long run.  Your own family will have to meet the children as well as your new spouse and welcome them to your extended family.   

Keep family in the family 

Sometimes it is better for each parent to involve their children with their personal families and not to mix things up as much. You can introduce your step-children to your own family as well as involve your own children with your own family. Your ex-spouse will most likely have nothing to do with your step-children, but he will want to involve his biological children with his parents and extended family. This will go double for your partner and his ex-spouse.  There may be some overlapping such as large family events such as weddings, and in these circumstances, everyone needs to co-operate and keep the peace. In the event of a death of a spouse or one who is not as involved in his children’s lives, you might to extend the hand of friendship to his parents and family to allow them to have a relationship with family on their biological father’s side, if they want to and the family is amenable. As long as your ex-spouse is okay with it, the kids are wanting to know them and you have discussed all the potential issues with your current spouse as well. 

Your new family 

Just as you gain new in-laws when you get married, your children will now have step-grandparents, step-aunts, step-uncles and other new family members. The involvement of the newly extended step-family depends on your in-laws themselves and how much they want to know your children and if your children want to spend time with them as well. Younger children are usually able to accept their new adult family members as well as their new brothers, sisters, cousins, nieces and nephews. Older children may battle to adapt and this is okay too. The process can take time. Family is not always biological and they may come to love their step-family as much as they do their biological one. Don’t force the issue, let it happen naturally. Make sure to involve step-family in family gatherings and attend events they invite you to as well. This way the children can get to know them without pressure.  It is important that everyone is on the same page when it comes to treating all the children the same and that your family boundaries are respected. 

When things go wrong 

While your ex-partner may have a legal right to spend time with your biological children, no one else in his family does. If there is a lot of issues due to extended family causing rifts, arguments or otherwise negatively influencing your family, you may want to restrict access. While you may be able to limit contact with some family members, you cannot do so for your ex-partner if he or she is allowed by law to spend time with the children. All you can do is open discussion with them and try to mitigate issues caused by exes, especially in relation to your current blended family situation. Where an ex-spouse goes all out to sabotage your new relationship, there is very little you can do past trying to negotiate a truce. You need to have open communication with your kids and your step-kids so that they can come to you with issues raised by your ex-partners and hopefully you can prevent fall-out damage from things they have said or done.  Let the ex-spouses on both sides know that your new partners are not looking to replace them as parents, but rather to offer support as another permanent fixture in the child’s life. Do your best to build bridges, keep your cool and a positive attitude and hopefully things will improve in the long run. 

Step-parent and in-law challenges 

If you are lucky, your partners’ parents and family will welcome you into the fold. This is especially true if their previous relationship was not a healthy one. They will offer support and respect and work with you to bring your blended family together. While this is the ideal, this is seldom the reality.  Often the new in-laws prefer the previous spouse to you and will make it obvious. They may offer no support at all and even exclude you wherever possible. They may be openly critical and may cause conflict in your relationship with your spouse and step-children. You will need to take this in your stride and let them know that you are here to stay. You are working to be a good parent to their grand-kids as well as a good wife or husband to their child.  If things get out of hand, you may want to involve your partner in the issues and have him or her lay down the law with regards to his or her family treating you with respect. 

Marrying someone that comes complete with a family is not easy and exes and in-laws that cause rifts can make things even more difficult. You need to persevere and try and build a relationship based on respect with these people as it is important to your step-children and your partner as well. Don’t ever force children to choose or split their loyalties.  This is unfair on them and you may find yourself being the one left out in the cold. All you can offer is your best and a willingness to work things out so that everyone at least feels comfortable with the new blended family arrangement.