Boarding School - My child magazine

Changes

In primary school students often have only one teacher to relate to for most of their subjects, and one classroom. At high school they usually have different teachers and classrooms for every subject and this can be very confusing.

In rural areas the child may have been living and working at home through the Open Access Programme.

Their friends from primary, or in the area where they live, may be going to different schools so they will need to make new friends at high school.

At boarding school they will be with these new friends all the time but without the comfort and familiarity of home and family.

Making the decision

Involve your child in the decision making process so that she has a sense of control.

You can do this by:

getting information from different schools and discussing it with her
talking about the reasons why you are considering boarding school
talking about your feelings
listening to her feelings and concerns
finding the answers to her questions
arranging for her to talk with other young people who are at boarding school
arranging a visit to the school of choice
arranging for her to go on a school or holiday camp so that she has some experience of living away from home. Even a stay with relatives can give some idea of living a more independent life.

Have a talk with primary teachers and your child’s doctor if you feel concerned that your child isn’t ready for, or resilient enough, to cope with both starting a new school and living away from home.

Stresses on young people

When they first start boarding school your teenager will hopefully be enjoying the new challenge but there are some stresses that you may need to be aware of.

Your teenager may feel:

lost and confused before he orients himself to the new situation
grief for his old school and old friends
lonely and unhappy until he makes new friends
anxious that he will not be able to cope with the new demands for learning and living as part of a group
worried that he will not be “one of the group”
worried that he will not live up to his parents’ expectations
that he is not wanted at home
tired and irritable with all the new demands.
Your teenager’s behaviour
Your teenager may show her stress in the following ways:
being irritable and short tempered
being disagreeable or not wanting to talk to you
sometimes wanting to be treated as an adult, other times wanting to be a child again
changing behaviour in order to impress, e.g. silliness or rebelling against parents or teachers
tummy aches, head aches or wanting to come home.

What you can do in advance

If it is possible, choose a school with a good program to help children make the change. Some schools have a “buddy system” to help new students link in with the ones who have been there before.

Start preparing your child well in advance. Check whether it is possible for him to visit the school beforehand. Go to open days if they are provided.
Check out where he will be living and what space he will have for his things.
Organise a meeting before school starts so you and your child can meet the teachers and find out how the system works.
Set up your own “buddy system”. Find out the names of some students who will be going to the same school as your teenager and arrange for them to meet in the holidays. If they don’t know each other, make it easy, e.g. by inviting their families to a family barbecue and having a video playing for the young people.

What you can do to help her make a good start

Read through the information from the school and help her make a list of questions or concerns that you can ask about when you go to look at the school.
Give her as much control as you can (within sensible limits) over casual clothes and personal items so she feels that she will fit in with the group.
Reassure her that she already knows how to make friends. She already knows how to be a good friend because of the friendships she has made in the past. Remind her that making friends takes time and not to rush it.
Help your teenager keep in touch with old friends.
Shop together for the things she will need for her new life.
Help your teenager get organised by teaching her how to care for her clothes, sports equipment etc.
Work together to get all her things marked with her name.
Remind your teenager that it is normal to feel confused and unsure at first and that most others will be feeling the same way.
Support her in joining in any school activities that she is interested in. This is a good way for her to make new friends.
Together note school terms, holidays and special school events on a calendar in the kitchen so that she knows you will be aware of what she is doing.
Talk about the probability of homesickness and what she can do, e.g.. ring home, email, write letters, talk to friends or trusted adults at the school.
Set up a regular allowance and access to it.
Organise how you will communicate and when. Most schools will allow mobile phones under certain conditions.
Make it clear that you have faith in her ability to cope with this new challenge. Talking about her coming home if she doesn’t like it is giving her the message that you don’t believe she can.
Make sure that the school knows of any possible medical condition and that your child has adequate supplies of medication, named.

In the first weeks

Remember that in spite of everything, and in spite of what they often say, teenagers still need your love and support. Parents are usually the best support that young people can have.

Be a good listener without asking too many questions. If you ask what they did today, teenagers are likely to say “Nothing”.
Be prepared to invite his new friends for weekends or holidays and be prepared for him to want to go to them sometimes.
Be a support but try not to give advice too quickly. Problems that young people can solve for themselves help to build confidence.
Contact him at agreed regular times.
Give him time to find his feet.
Be kind to yourself. It’s normal for parents to feel upset, or lonely or even a bit guilty about sending their child away to school, especially if he seems to be suffering from homesickness.
Show faith in his ability to cope – and your own! Of course you will miss him but over-reaction can worsen the situation for both of you. This is a time of change for all the members of the family.

Going to boarding school can help your teenager become more independent, resilient, self reliant and build the social skills that he will use all his life.