BRINGING A NEW BABY INTO A BLENDED FAMILY

Written by: Caroline Mayer

Deciding to have a baby together is a big step in any relationship. In blended families, this can become a quite complicated thing for everyone involved as well. A new baby can be exciting and something that the children look forward to, but they may also feel insecure and worried that the new baby may take you and your partner away from them.  A new baby is not only an extra body in the home. They also demand a lot of attention and also add to the demands on space and finance in your blended home.  If you decide to have a baby together, you may want to talk to the children in the blended family before you take the step.  This will help them get used to the idea before a new little one is on the way. 

Considering the feelings of existing children  

One great part of bringing a new baby in to a blended family is that the new baby will be related to the children on both sides and will be a half brother or sister as opposed to being step-family. This could help the family bond, but may also have the current children feel like they are not enough or that you might love the new baby more than them. The extra attention during pregnancy and once baby is born can also leave children feeling threatened by the baby. This is especially prevalent when there is split parenting and the child gets to spend limited time at the home with the new baby. They will be concerned that the parent may have less time for them after a new baby comes in to the fold. They may also be concerned about having to share space with the baby or having to sacrifice their room or other benefits due to the baby. They also realise that the baby will belong to both you and your partner, which can make things difficult in a newly blended family when children don’t feel they fit in with the step-family as yet.  

Discuss it with your partner from all angles 

A new baby is exciting and a gift but in a blended family there may be added concern about the reactions from family and children. You may be a lot more excited by the prospect than your partner or vice versa. These feelings may also change when you get pregnant and go through all the phases of pregnancy and childbirth especially with hormone fluctuations. Make sure you have discussed the idea and both are in agreement and ready for long term commitment to a baby and each other before you go ahead with trying to have a baby.  

You’re pregnant, now what? 

Get the children involved before the baby is born so they get used to the idea and feel included. Talk to them about their feelings and reassure them that there is enough love for everyone. Give them one on one time to express themselves so that you can talk everything out. Let them be involved in the planning such as painting out the baby room, setting up the crib, shopping for clothes and toys and so forth. Let them also experience some of the excitement of welcoming a new baby to the family.  If they are old enough, you can take them to ultrasounds to “see” their new brother or sister before they are born. Let them feel baby kick. Allow them to talk or sing to the baby while you are pregnant. Just make sure that you keep things fair so that the children don’t feel resentment before the baby is born. Perhaps allow them to repaint their rooms, redecorate their spaces and maybe get a new toy as well so they don’t feel the baby is getting everything and they are being left out. 

Baby has arrived, what are the next steps? 

A new baby will demand attention and mom may be exhausted for the first few months, but it is important to still find time for all the children, whether step-children or biological children or even adopted children. There may be some jealousy which you will need to address. These are natural feelings and you need to talk them out with the children. Ensure that there is no aggression due to these feelings and make sure that children know to treat baby gently at all times. Make time to let each child feel special and ensure you still celebrate their special occasions and attend important events. Try and keep routines as consistent as possible even though some may have to change a bit due to a little one. Try and make the changes gradually so that there isn’t a huge shift in routine when baby comes home.  All children to bond with the new baby in a safe environment. There should always be adult supervision especially with younger children. Older children may be given extra responsibilities that they can handle to help with baby. Make sure to thank and praise them for their efforts.  Encourage caregivers and other adults in the children’s family circle to perhaps give a little extra attention while the family is adjusting. Make sure to keep working on the bond with all your children and don’t exclude them now that there is a new baby in the home. 

Get the extended family involved 

The other biological parents of the children in your blended family need to be informed that you have a new baby. If possible, let them know before baby arrives so that they also have time to adjust in case they may have negative feelings about the situation as well. Let other family members such as aunts, uncles and grandparents know as well, don’t wait until the kids tell them. Let them be as involved or uninvolved as they want.  Your limits are going to be stretched as it is and while you may really want your parents or your partner’s parents to be involved throughout the process, they may not feel the same. Don’t let it get to you.   

Enjoy your new baby and all the joys that come with it.  There will be many challenges, but in this situation, not too many more than experienced by any families bringing a new baby in to a home where there are older siblings already. Help them welcome their new brother or sister and keep the communication lines open and everyone should accept the new addition without too many issues.