What To Do When Your Child is ‘Playing Doctor’

November 1, 2016 /

‘Playing doctor’ or “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours’ has been around for generations. We did it as kids, and our parents did as well.

So what should parents be doing when they catch their child inspecting their friend’s genitals?

Why do kids look?

Children become curious about the differences between our bodies around the ages of 3-6. They have noticed that some of us have different parts i.e the genitals. So when playing, it can be quite natural for them to be curious about whether their friend is different. So it is only natural that they want to have a look.

What’s normal?

Normal is when children look out of curiosity. They will be of a similar age (+/- 2 years), be someone that they know, will have both agreed (i.e no forcing), be spontaneous and will happen infrequently (not every time). Secrecy can be common as children rightfully suspect parental disapproval.

If you’re not sure, the Traffic Lights App by True Relationships & Reproductive Health is a fantastic tool parents can use to work out when to worry or not.

What to do when caught

Walking in on children inspecting each other’s genitals can be pretty confronting for a number of different reasons! It is common to wonder where you have gone wrong, to think sexual abuse and to overreact.

So what should you do when you catch them?

  1. Take a deep breath – don’t panic and don’t get angry. They are just curious.
  2. Distract them with another activity – ‘How about we go and have something to eat’ or ‘Let’s go outside and jump on the trampoline’. Don’t sound angry – keep a casual tone.
  3. Talk about it after i.e once the other child has gone home and you have calmed down.

Pick up time

On pick up, casually mention what you found to the parent of their friend.

Explain that you understand the innocence and the normality of their curiosity, but that you’ll try to prevent it from happening again. Be open, honest, and matter-of-fact. Don’t assign blame, and try to not worry about upsetting your adult friendships. You would want to know if you were in their shoes!

You could try saying – ‘I caught the kids having a peek at each other’s genitals (or private arts) today. I distracted them with another activity and they have been busy doing other things. I’ll have a chat with mine about the differences between boys and girls. And I’ll make sure that doors are kept open the next time they play together.’

Later on

Later that day, try to find an opportunity to chat about what happened. You need to take a very gentle conversational approach with this. If you turn it into a lecture, you will lose the opportunity to find out what really happened.

  • Gently enquire about what happened (bath time is a good opportunity to casually chat about this)
  • ‘When I walked into your bedroom today, I noticed that you and your friend were looking at each other’s private parts. So what was happening?’
  • Confirm that it was innocent (consensual, spontaneous, not happened before) and that your child is unconcerned by it all.
  • Tell your child that it is normal to be curious about another’s body parts and that you understand their curiosity, but that it’s not okay to touch anyone else’s private parts or let them touch yours.

Monitor playtime discretely and minimise the opportunity for any recurrences. Keep doors open, be in the background and watch out for sneaky behaviour.

What next?

‘Playing doctor’ is a sign that your child is curious about the differences in our body parts.

This is the perfect opportunity to start talking about:

  • the names of the private parts
  • the differences between boys and girls
  • body safety i.e being the boss of your own body in public and in private

Books are a great way to start these conversations. Some great Australian books to start with are Everyone’s Got a Bottom by Tess Rowley or these 3 from Jayneen Sanders – My Body! What I Say Goes,  No Difference Between Us or No Means No!.