CHILDHOOD SEXUALITY
Written by Caroline Meyer
This is one topic that is often not discussed but sexuality is very much a part of who we are as people. Sexuality is about relationships, intimacy, love, values, feelings and attitudes. Discussing sex and sexuality is very important when it comes to healthy development. You need to be open (age appropriate) with your child and allow them to be able to discuss their growing curiosity with you without judgment or shame. This needs to be open and honest discussions where you and your child can talk about their questions in this regard as well as talk about everything that goes along with it.
Children will demonstrate certain sexual behaviours at certain periods of their development and this is generally quite normal. This will include body curiosity, the differences in genders, masturbation and later on, their own sexuality. This is to be expected and nothing that you need to be concerned about.
SEXUAL BEHAVIOUR IN CHILDREN
Babies will start to explore their own bodies when they are just a few weeks old. There is pleasure in stroking their own skin and even in touching their own genitals. They may even stimulate enjoyable feelings by rubbing against pillows and toys or rubbing their legs together. This is nothing to be concerned about and is perfectly normal. Babies are not embarrassed or ashamed of their bodies. These kinds of feelings only come later when they are taught by caregivers that certain things are not acceptable in society. Shame is a learned emotion. Masturbation may also start quite young and in little children it is best to ignore it and be tactful with how it is handled. This is often not a problem when children are little but around the age of 3 or 4 you can discuss with your child that while the behaviour is normal, they should not do it around others and should do it in private only. From the age of around 5 and onwards, children will generally be discreet in touching themselves and will start being secretive about it.
Some children will masturbate a lot and some will not touch themselves at all. It is often thought that masturbation increases in children that are tired, bored or needing comfort. Some children will masturbate for almost any feeling of unhappiness and not seek solace in any other activity. At this point, you may want to seek help from a professional.
SEXUAL CURIOSITY IN CHILDREN
This generally happens around the stage when they start asking the names of things. This is especially true if you have boys and girls in the home. They will notice that their body parts are not the same and will want to know why. It is important that they learn the proper names for the various body parts instead of nicknames which may differ from family to family. This will also help them indicate injury or pain in these areas by saying the proper words. Whether you choose to allow your child to see you naked or not is a personal preference and different families may have different attitudes towards being nude, but your child should know their bodies are not shameful. Be aware that other families may have different attitudes especially if your child regularly goes for sleep overs etc. Your child will need to understand that other people may not always have the same attitudes towards nudity and that they would need to adjust to the rules in those homes.
PLAYING SEXUAL GAMES
Out of a natural curiosity, your child may play sexual games with other children. This can include games like mommy-daddy, doctor-doctor or simply “if you show me yours, I’ll show you mine”. This is generally harmless and they learn about what is the same and what is different on other children’s bodies. For the most part, this type of innocent play can be ignored. If you feel uncomfortable about your child playing with another child in this way, you can calmly steer the games in other directions without embarrassing the children or making them feel bad. Role playing and imitation is common in childhood games and kids may also play at dressing up. This can include boys dressing up as girls or girls being “daddy”. This does not have anything to do with their sexuality and is simply just role playing at a young age. It is actually quite good for girls and boys to roleplay as opposite genders and take on the stereotypical traits of the opposite sex. Let them have fun and enjoy their play without any value judgement. Some children do have gender dysphoria and identify as the opposite gender from a young age, but for most children, this is simply play. Should your child be gender diverse or identify as the opposite sex from a young age, you can seek professional assistance to guide you through handling the situation so that your child grows up well-adjusted and unashamed of their sexuality.
BE POSITIVE ABOUT SEXUALITY
Your skin and other organs are sensitive to touch for a reason and generally it feels good to touch your own body. Your attitude and values towards self-touching is passed on to your child and their openness and honesty will be determined by you as well. Keep the communication open and allow your child to talk to you about their bodies, changes, curiosity and concerns. If your child can talk to you openly about this subject from a young age, this should continue on into puberty and their teen years. This will also allow them to come to you with sexual questions, allowing you to give them factual information. You can also discuss your family’s values with them at this point. This allows your child to be positive about sexuality and to accept that it is a normal part of their being. They will also then be able to approach you with physical and emotional concerns.
CONCERNING SEXUAL BEHAVIOURS
While masturbation and general physical exploration is quite normal in small children, abnormal behaviour should be investigated. A small child should not be exposed to explicit sex activities in their home or on television. This can be quite distressing and confusing to them and is inappropriate. If your child displays overtly sexual acts such as trying to have sexual intercourse with a toy or another child (or even an adult), keeps touching themselves obsessively even when told to stop, tries to force other children in to sexual play, touches the genitals of adults, tries to initiate oral contact on other people’s genitals, becomes aggressive if you try and prevent them from carrying out the sexual act or other inappropriate behaviour that goes way beyond the knowledge they should have at this age, then you should seek professional assistance as soon as possible. This could point to sexual abuse or witnessing sexual behaviours beyond their ability to process. Seek assistance from the authorities should this be the case so that the child can get help and perpetrators be brought to book.