Christmas Anxiety and How To Deal With Family Conflict

Written by: Genie Price

Is it a Merry Christmas or a Christmas to be dismissed?

A guide to common causes of family conflict during the Christmas period and practical advice on how to deal with it.

Christmas is everyone’s favourite time of year, or is it?

Though Christmas is meant for celebrating and spreading joy, it is also the most likely time of year to experience family conflict, anxiety and relationship stress.

Let’s face it – we don’t all get on with our in-laws and whether it be that, your Uncle who drinks too much or someone else from your family acting up – some Christmas celebrations do not go as planned and battles between siblings and other guests – can arise.

A recent study by The Australian Counselling Organisation indicates several reasons for conflict at Christmas and here we list some of those, alongside ways in which you can combat it.

Causes for conflict can include:

Separated families:

As reported in the 2011 census published by The Australian Bureau of Statistics the sad reality is one in five families are headed by a single parent, and we all know “flying solo” in the parenting department can place high demands on both mental and physical health and wellbeing.

Courthouses across Australia see an influx of single parent families fighting to secure their children over the Christmas period and research suggests if you are divorced or challenged by any form of family breakdown, you are at higher risk of experiencing anxiety and depression or family conflict throughout the holiday season.

Using the court system not only brings about stress and anxiety in children, but it often creates ill feelings towards the other party also – which can dampen the “Christmas spirit” and generate conflict.

To help:

Seek mediation if necessary and try to talk it out as a family unit.
Pre-warn first. Respect the other parent enough by asking them in advance for the children, so that it doesn’t come as a surprise to them.
Identify your emotions and give yourself some time to work through the feelings you may be experiencing.
It is best if both parties try to be courteous to each other during the festive season and limit their disagreements while children are present.
If you really can’t come to an arrangement about who gets the children, then spend Christmas Day with one parent and Boxing Day with the other. Try to keep it fair and swap arrangements the following year.

Increased financial pressure:

People love to spend money, and Christmas time is the most favoured time of year to do so, hence it’s nickname the “silly season.” It’s that one time of year where most people spend exorbitant amounts of money on not only decorations, food and gifts, but on entertaining and the “holiday season” in general.

This increase in expenditure can cause added financial pressure to one’s pockets.

To help:

Christmas is no surprise, so, start putting money away early in order to stay within budget. Putting money away each week will decrease the chances of over-spending.
Use layby. This will stretch out the expense of gifts over several weeks or months. If possible, take advantage of all the post-Christmas sales, if finances allow.
Educate your children on what Christmas is about and explain to them that it is the “giving to others” that is most important. This should help them to develop a sense of gratitude that does not cost you an arm and leg.
Consider a simpler menu for your Christmas lunch – there is no reason you can’t have a “potluck” where everyone who attends – brings a plate to share.
Watch the price tag. Gone are the days when meaningful gifts were given and at low cost. Many people fall trap to “keeping up with the joneses” and buy gifts which are over-priced, or not going to be used. Be mindful of the gifts you buy and their purpose.
Seek advice from a financial advisor if you are experiencing severe money troubles. Centrelink offers free advice for people on benefits.

Family misunderstandings:

All families have their downfalls and over the years each person moves on with life – to build their own. You see less of each other and for whatever reasons – often, stop talking.

Whether the lack of communication is for a week or two, or a year, the mere thought of being together again after such a long time starts to creep in, and this itself can lead to feelings of fear and anxiety, which could create conflict and stressed relationships on the day.

To help:

Respect each other’s decisions and listen carefully. If you have asked someone to attend Christmas with you this year and they really don’t want to – respect them and make arrangements to catch up at a later date.
If you feel isolated from others and that you cannot leave the house, do the shopping online and have the gifts sent to their direct address. This will help with social anxieties, fears or feelings of claustrophobia.
Keep your expectations real. If you know some people don’t get along – be as welcoming as possible and make everyone feel comfortable, and prepare for any disagreements which may arise.
Have some games organised which cater for different age levels. According to the Salvation Army, families which share in group activities during Christmas day are far less likely to argue.
Use relaxation techniques for when times get overwhelming. Using different breathing methods and listening to music can quickly defuse feelings of stress.

Absent loved ones:

Christmas time has for many years, been seen as a time to reflect on the past and unfortunately for some, that means memories of loved ones that have passed away.

Grief in any form is hard to deal with and you are likely to go through feelings of depression, isolation and loneliness around these family times if you have experienced the death of a significant friend or family member.

To help:

Remember the good things about your loved ones and celebrate these.
Honour your loved one by donating to a charity in their memory or plant a tree in your yard to look over and care for.
It’s ok to want to be alone to think about your loved one. Talking out loud to them or writing them a letter may be helpful.
It is ok to have a good time. Don’t feel guilty. Sharing a few laughs with family or friends doesn’t mean you don’t love or miss that special person.
Ask friends for their support. If they don’t know how to help you, tell them and respect them when they do at least attempt.

Try not to let feelings of past resent and tension damper the Christmas you truly deserve. Instead, practice patience and accept that some things are better left in the past, and unsaid in the present. You never know, you may find yourself having a “Christmas to remember”.

Note:

It is normal to experience some level of sadness or depression when experiencing conflict or grief, however, if these feelings persist outside of the Christmas period – please consult your local GP or counsellor for advice and steps forward – as you may be suffering from an ongoing medical condition.