CONTROLLING YOUR EMOTIONS WHEN KIDS MAKE YOU MAD

Written by Caroline Meyer

It’s not unusual. All parents get angry at their kids on the odd occasion. Daily life subjects us to a lot of stresses and strains. Financial and health concerns can exacerbate these feelings of intense emotions. This can lead to having a lot less patience and control when it comes to dealing with rambunctious kids. We learnt to control our emotions at work and hold in all the negative emotions. When we are at home, it can sometimes take something small to set us off and we lose our cool with our children.

While some children may be a handful, in general, as parents, we can cope with the day to day parenting challenges. When we reach peaks of anger, we may not be thinking the way we usually would and can see our children as being the cause of our emotional outbursts. The anger may not even be directly related to the situation at hand. When we are angry our minds tend to go on a trip, seeing the bad behaviour as leading to something worse in future or that the child will turn out to be a psychopath. This then adds in feelings of guilt and failure. All of these negative emotions culminate in lashing out at the child, when we would not normally behave in that way. We may not always be able to control our kids’ behaviour; we can control our reactions to it. 

WHY CAN OUR KIDS MAKE US SO ANGRY?

Parents and kids can push each other’s buttons like no one else can. Even when we are adults and may have children of our own, we may still find that our own parents can make us behave like children. There is a psychological reason for this. Our children stimulate some of the intense feelings within us that hearken back to when we were little children. This can stimulate unconscious feelings and reactions.  These intense feelings can actually overwhelm us as adults and cause us to lash out. As adults we have to learn to control these impulses, accept them for what they are and reduce the parental anger in the home which may scar our own children, perpetuating the cycle. When we scream at our kids or hit them in anger, we break the trust our kids have in us as their protectors and source of love. It can turn us in to monsters in our children’s eyes. We will get angry sometimes, it is inevitable. How we handle our anger and choose to express it makes all the difference. Children who experience bouts of anger from their parents regularly and who are screamed at or hit often, eventually build up a defence against it. These children are more likely to have behavioural problems as they grow up. They may also withdraw and show developmental issues such as a lower IQ and speech impediments.

HANDLING YOUR ANGER

There may be times when you feel overwhelmed by the negative feelings and go in to “fight or flight” mode. Our bodies blast us with hormones, making the pulse race, muscles tense and breathing speed up past our normal limits. It can feel impossible to maintain a sense of calm in these situations. We may feel that lashing out at our kids physically or verbally will bring everything back to normal again. The truth is, this can do so much damage in the long run that we need to learn how to curb these impulses. We need to act maturely and find constructive ways of handling anger. This also sets a good example for your child who can then learn to handle their own frustrations in a better way. Here are a few ways to handle things at home to prevent anger escalating and leading to violence or name calling.

INSTIL DISCIPLINE IN THE HOME

Set boundaries and limits in the home. Often we will get angry because a child has done something we do not want them to. They may not even know that this is a problem. Set rules and regulations about what is okay and what isn’t. This may help to prevent some of the behaviours that trigger your anger. This can include allowing you to unwind when you get home from work and reducing the behaviours that you may find annoying. You can refer to these expectations when you find yourself starting to become annoyed or angry and reaffirm the household rules with the children. Ask them to stop what they are doing or do it elsewhere before your anger escalates.

STAY CALM 

Do not allow your anger to overwhelm you. Get out of the situation, go to your car and scream, take deep breaths, whatever you need to calm down. The old counting to 10 while taking deep breaths is actually quite a good way to reduce rising levels of anxiety and anger. If the first 10 don’t work well enough, take 10 more. Shake your hands to relieve tension and remind yourself that you can deal with the situation once you are calm. Take as many breaths as you need to get some semblance of calm back. Listen to some music, watch a comedic show, hum to yourself. Do something active such as dancing if you feel you need to do something physical to relieve the rage. Meditation once a day can also help you improve your neural capacity and help you calm down in high tension situations. Yoga, meditation and similar calming practises will help you achieve more self-control.

PLACE YOURSELF IN TIMEOUT

If there is no physical danger to the child, take a time out from the situation. Take five minutes or so out of the room to allow you to calm down without being in confrontation with the child. If needed, explain to the child you are leaving the room to calm down and that they are to leave you be for the time it take for you to do so. If possible, ask another adult to take over supervision while you distance yourself from the situation while you get your emotions back in check. This also sets an example for your child as a method to deal with their own anger issues. If you cannot safely leave the child alone due to their age and you do not have another adult available to supervise, then try and go to the bathroom and run some water on your hands and wipe your face while breathing in deeply. Hum or say a manta repeatedly to calm yourself down. You can say it out loud if you want to. The child may even pick up on the mantra and use it themselves when they feel overwhelmed or angry.

WAIT TO CALM DOWN BEFORE DISCIPLINING

Anger is basically attacking another person due to the overwhelming feelings inside of you. You need to first deal with the anger yourself, calm down and then you can deal with the issues that trigger the anger. This often allows you to learn about yourself and why you get angry because of specific things as well. Do not act when you are angry. Tell the child that you will deal with their misdemeanours once you have cooled down.  This can even be a period of hours before you dish out punishment for behaviours that trigger anger. Once calm, sit the child down and explain exactly what they did that upset you and ensure they know the limits. You can also then listen to your child’s explanation if there is one. Then only put the punishment in effect. Avoid physical punishment such as hitting your child. If you find yourself constantly hitting your child, you may want to delve deeper into the reasons why you do so. Often the temporary relief from lashing out helps diffuse the anger, but it can emotionally and sometimes physically scar your child. Seek help from a therapist to help get past the personal pain causing you to lash out at your child.  Do not make threats and not follow through as this undermines your own authority. Explain what they did wrong and apply an appropriate punishment such as no TV or video games for a period of time as an example. Speak calmly, clearly and rationally which will also help diffuse the child’s emotions. Choose positive words and speak in a low, calm voice.

DON’T HOLD GRUDGES

Revisiting the anger in your head over and over will only make things worse. Once you have dealt with the issue, you need to let the anger go. You can add to the house rules if you find it necessary to try and remove triggers for your anger, but you need to explain to your children what the rules are and why they need to behave in a certain way. You can also make a list for yourself on ways to deal with your anger. You can share anger management tools with your partner and the kids as well if anger is a general issue in your home. Be a role model to your children. Exhibit the behaviours that you expect them to emulate. Be open to growing an improving yourself as well. Learning to handle your own emotions and dealing with your internal negative feelings will help improve how you feel about yourself, reduce triggers and ultimately improve your relationship with your child. If you have problems dealing with your anger, seek help. A councillor may be able to help you resolve some of your issues and give you more advanced anger management tools.