GENDER DISAPPOINTMENT IS A THING: WHEN REALITY DOESN’T MATCH EXPECTATIONS
Written. by Lucy Hall
The journey of parenthood is something like a rollercoaster ride that you cannot get off. When you embark on this journey, there are many unknowns that you’ll have to face. One hurdle that is not really talked about, but that many parents will have to overcome, and yes, it’s more common than you think, is gender disappointment!
Whether you decide to find out the gender of your baby during your pregnancy or save it as the ultimate surprise to be announced at the birth, once the baby arrives, having a specific gender that didn’t fit into the future plans you envisioned can be genuinely, and quite often, be a painful experience for you or your partner.
Understanding Gender Disappointment
So what is Gender disappointment? It’s when your baby’s gender doesn’t match the reality of the baby you birthed. Parents that face this experience can feel sad or letdown, it’s a web of super complex emotions and is often linked to society pressures, your personal dreams and yep, cultural expectations! If you experience gender disappointment, it’s important to remember that it doesn’t mean you love your child any less or that you’re starting this journey as a bad parent, we are all human, we all have desires, dreams and hopes, sometimes in life we need to embrace the unexpected and keep going!
Emotions are what they are, but how you handle them, well, that’s what really matters. Allow yourself to acknowledge and validate the feelings you have and let go of guilt and shame you associate with feeling disappointed, it’s a necessary step to help you to move forward.
So what can you do if you find yourself in this situation? Try some of these tips that can help you get back on track:
Adjust Your Expectations
Gender disappointment can be hard to cope with, however if you try and reframe your expectations, it can help you in moving forward. Start by shifting your focus from what you were hoping for and focus on the joys and adventures that relate to your child’s gender. Allow yourself to create new dreams for the future, this will give you something to look forward to.
Build A Support System
Having a support system is important when managing gender disappointment. Surround yourself with people that are compassionate and understanding, those that will give you emotional support and useful advice, support groups are a great way for you to build that support system. If you’re overwhelmed by the feelings of disappointment and just can’t seem to move past it, seeking professional help can be beneficial to assist you in dealing with the emotions you are experiencing in a safe and open environment.
Love The Journey
Although the journey may not be what you expected, embracing the new journey in front of you can be an exciting opportunity for you to find the joy in parenting. Practising mindfulness, presence and celebrating milestones, this can help you in embracing parenthood with all the twists and turns that are bound to take place .
Reflection
Having time to reflect on this experience can help you find peace and understanding. Take the time to question the cultural norms and expectations that can be associated with gender, embrace a more inclusive and flexible attitude towards genders that celebrate the individual over the stereotypes often imposed by society.
The birth of a baby can bring out an immense love that you did know you were capable of, it may be immediate or it may take a little bit of time. Try to picture all the wonderful things you are about to experience in the parenthood journey, not only the things that you may have envisioned with having a boy or girl. The parent/child relationship is not about the baby’s gender, there are so many more important aspects to focus on, so make sure you don’t miss out on enjoying your baby for who they are and be kind to yourself.
If you find yourself disappointed, try not to feel ashamed. Gender disappointment is often a misunderstood and very real emotion that many parents face in this difficult situation. Understanding along with compassion is key in helping to navigate the feelings you may be experiencing. You can get through this with the right support, by adjusting your expectations, seeking professional help if needed and most importantly by taking care of your wellbeing while acknowledging and addressing these emotions so that you can move forward.