Happy to be stuck with you…or stuck for the sake of the kids?

By Kylie Kaden

Is staying in a loveless marriage the selfless act of a responsible parent, or a miserable way to spend the only life you get?

Those faced with this heart wrenching dilemma may ask themselves if the stress of their marriage is affecting their parenting, and would the kids be better off if they split? A plethora of contradictory statistics on the matter are available online, along with plenty of opinions and judgements on what is ‘best’ for kids long-term. Friends and family also tend to offer their advice, yet no one knows what your relationship is like from the inside.

So, what do those who have made the decision to break up the band, or tough it out ‘for the sake of the kids’ have to say about why they made their choice?

After consulting the stats, parental blogs and theoretical views, here’s seven reasons to stay, and seven reasons not to…

THE CASE TO STAY

If you feel ‘stuck’ in your relationship post-kids, you’re not alone. Eight out of ten mothers in long term relationships report feeling trapped in their marriage by children, or money (Everydayfamily.com).

A growing trend to take a pragmatic approach and delay separation until the kids finish school suggests many feel a few years of compromise is a sacrifice parents should be willing to make. Delaying divorce until children leave home, or simply forging separate lives (under the pretence of a happy marriage) are not uncommon scenarios (ABS,2010).

Their justification:

* Kids from nuclear families are less likely to divorce or face domestic violence, have fewer emotional problems, are more likely to attend university, be financially secure, avoid drugs, teen pregnancy and delinquency (ABS, 2010).

* Even if you’re no longer head-over-heels, if you are able to be respectful partners and still raise children (without exposing them to excessive squabbles and emotional tirades) research shows children are better off when the family unit remains intact (Psychology Today).

* Divorced men are more likely to suicide, feel alienated from their children and face financial ruin than married men. Do we want to place our children’s fathers at an increased risk of harm? (mensdivorce.com)

* Most people’s marriages are mediocre – what’s wrong with being average? And a little bit of arguing, demonstrating positive resolutions (without belittling or

violence) allows kids to see parents aren’t perfect, that it’s healthy to express emotions, and make up.

* Keeping up the pretense of a happy marriage isn’t a sign of weakness, it takes courage, self-sacrifice, and strength.

* An unfortunate reality is that the parent who has forgone a career to raise children may struggle financially after separation, which leads to a reduced standard of living. It may seem superficial, but it is simply cheaper and easier to stay together.

* More couples should consider the grieving process their children would inevitably suffer if they opt for divorce (Journal of Adolescent Health 2010). Lead by example – ride out life’s ups and downs and ‘stick it out’ when things get tough.

But is staying together for the sake of the kids something they will thank you for?

THE CASE TO GO

Other parents say they broke up their home for the sake of the kids (and themselves), and that ending your marriage doesn’t mean you love your children any less.

They don’t see divorce as failure – living in misery is the true failure.

Their justification:

* Staying in a sham of a marriage creates a dishonest family dynamic, and couples are fooling themselves if they think kids aren’t sensitive to the emotions around them (abc.net.au April 2017).

* Everyone has a right to be happy and content. No one takes divorce lightly, and separation (after all attempts have been made to mend the marriage) allows kids to see we all should demand happiness and not settle for second best.

* Some people in unhappy unions are in a such a constant state of bitterness they ‘check out’ of parenting, causing the parent’s self-esteem to erode until they’re too helpless to change their lives for the better.

* Divorce can build resilience, need not be harmful in the long-term if done well, and most children from broken homes go on to lead satisfying lives (Raising Children.net).

* As adults, children often replicate relationships similar to what their parents modelled. We’d never want our kids to suffer in miserable relationships, so why would we live our lives doing the same?

* Children who later discover their parents sacrificed their own happiness for them may take responsibility for their parent’s ‘wasted’ lives.

* Some couples that claim they’re staying together for the kids may be using children as a scapegoat for their unhappiness when it is their own fear of the unknown that is to blame.

WHAT DO KIDS NEED?

Self-assured, happy adults make effective parents. To be better parents, we must first be better people. In a perfect world, we choose partners who makes us the best version of ourselves. But we don’t live in a perfect world.

Psychologist’s report that generally, children raised in low-conflict marriages fair better than those dragged through an ugly divorce, however separation is generally more favourable in the case of violent or abusive marriages (Psychology Today).

Making marriage the priority in our lives before it’s riddled with conflict is an important undertaking, yet equally, having the courage to live boldly is a vital ethos to model.

What is clear is that kids need parents that are present. They need to feel safe and loved in a predictable home, free from fear of abuse or neglect. It’s a parent’s absolute responsibility to provide that environment above all else – in whatever shape it takes.

But only you know what’s at stake for your family, and if unsure, seek guidance from professionals.

Free resources are available online at Raising Children Network, Relationships Australia (1300 364 277) or Lifeline (13 11 14).

Kylie Kaden is an author, mother and psychology honours graduate, but says her degree helps little with wrangling her three spirited boys and that the wheels fall off at her place on a daily basis.

By Kylie Kaden www.kyliekaden.com.au