HAVING THE EQUALITY DISCUSSION

Written by Caroline Meyer

Equality is a word that gets bandied about a lot, but what does it actually mean in a relationship? It does not mean that both partners need to be exactly the same or even get exactly the same things out of the relationship. What it does mean is that both people respect each other and that both partner’s desires and needs are being met in the relationship. When one person continually dominates the other person, this can lead to an imbalance of power and a relationship that is not equal. In a relationship, where one person is continually in control and the other person does not get their needs met, this is an unhealthy partnership. While responsibilities in the relationship needs to be shared in equal measure based on the way the relationship is set up, both people need to feel that the relationship is equal. Both partners need to be able to give at least as much of themselves to the relationship as the other person.  

When one person is loaded with all the household tasks while the other does not contribute, this can be seen as an unequal relationship. When one partner makes all the decisions without taking the other person’s thoughts or needs in to account, this is most likely an unfair relationship. When one person decides whether or not intimacy happens on every occasion, there is probably an equality problem.  If one partner continuously feels hard done by, it might be time for the equality talk. 

Some potential issues that may be discussed during the equality discussion include: 

Expense Sharing: 

If one partner has to pay for everything while the other does not contribute to costs or by taking care of the home, this may be a topic to work out a fairer division. 

Lack of Compromise: 

Most arguments end on some sort of compromise. Both partners have to give a little to end up with something you can both live with. When one person refuses to compromise, the other person can be left feeling unhappy and hard done by. There needs to be balance in a relationship and the ability to look at things from the other person’s point of view. 

Trying to be Boss:  

When conflict arises, as it will in any normal relationship, both parties should be allowed to express their opinions without judgement or without feeling insecure or dominated by the other person. Let your partner talk, listen to their opinions. When one partner tries to lord it over the other and shouts them down, the equality in the relationship is likely a very tenuous one. 

You do not have to be exactly the same and you don’t need to agree on everything. What you do need to do is allow the other person freedom of expression while ensuring they do the same for you. A relationship built on mutual respect is a healthy one and also likely to be a lot happier than one where one person controls everything.  Learn to assess fairness and ask your partner how they feel. You both need to feel that the relationship is a fair and equal partnership. There should not be one person doing all the sacrificing while the other expects to be treated like royalty. A relationship with constant unfairness and unhappiness is not likely to last. Talk about it! If your partner is not open to discussions on equality in the relationship, this is generally a red flag and may be your signal to walk. Open communication, you may be pleasantly surprised!