IS GOOD COP/BAD COP PARENTING THE BEST WAY TO RAISE A CHILD?

Written by Feba Maryann 

When it comes to parenting, there is no technique that is right or guarantees success. Through generations of parenting experience, we have been made familiar with the ‘good cop, bad cop’ strategy. Originally considered as a psychological tactic used by interrogators in law enforcement, it has also become a tried and tested parenting strategy. 

Recently, people have come to criticize this strategy due to its effects on parent-child relationships and the relationship between the parents. So, is the ‘good cop, bad cop’ parenting the best way to go? 

Ruining Relationships 

Implementing the ‘good cop, bad cop’ strategy makes the child view their parents in a specific way — the warm caring one and the nagging disciplinarian. Without proper communication between the parents, it is easy for the parents to stick to these roles such that there comes a split between the parenting styles of each parent. 

Children usually exploit this split to get their way and avoid consequences for their actions. For example, if the mom and dad have played the bad cop and good cop roles respectively for a long time, the child will choose to come to the dad to avoid punishments or let them in on secrets about rule-breaking behavior. 

When such a split occurs, the good cop refuses to enforce discipline or let the bad cop in on the secret. Eventually, the child comes to resent the bad cop parent and the good cop parent becomes unable to guide the child. At the same time, this causes the relationship between the parents to suffer because of poor communication and lack of trust. This is why it is important for the parents to always present a united front before the child. 

Presenting A United Front

Discussions and disagreements about parenting should be done away from the child’s earshot. Arguments can be common but try to find a point of agreement in every scenario. Work from that point to find an appropriate way to parent.  

For instance, if you think that the child should do the chores after dinner and your partner believes that it should be done earlier, do not argue about it in front of the child. Listening to one parent vouching for one solution while the other parent suggests a different one can confuse the child and make them stressed. 

Back up each other when the child tries to negotiate to avoid responsibilities. Also let the child know that if the current decision is not working well, another one can be made but the chores will have to be done somehow. 

Dealing With Disagreements 

Using non-verbal cues to express disagreements while the child should be avoided. Children are competent enough to read their parents’ faces and learn which parent will be easier to give in to their whims. 

It is essential to know that solving disagreements immediately is not important. Parents can take a break and resolve the tension at a later time. This will give them some time to think and then come back with a level head. Discuss in private, come to a unified decision, and present it before the child.  

In Conclusion  

The good cop bad cop strategy helps the parents in many ways. Most importantly, it helps them divide their responsibilities based on their strengths and raise children who are ready to meet their responsibilities. At the same time, it has many pitfalls like confusing the children and breaking up the relationship between the parents. Thus, finding a middle ground is one way to break out of this parenting style.  

Parents should regularly switch their roles as the good cop and bad cop so that the children do not view one parent in a negative light. While using this strategy, parents should also make sure to communicate well with each other and the children because the lack of communication can cause serious damage. 

Moreover, parents need not be cops in front of their children. Children need teachers and coaches to guide them in their life and not cops. The good cop and the bad cop technique is one of the first tricks in the parenting handbook but its severe cons outweigh its pros.  

In conclusion, utilizing the classic good cop, bad cop parenting strategy is not advised for raising an emotionally healthy, responsible, and reliable child.