IS IT OKAY IF PARENTS HAVE DIFFERENT STYLES?

Written by Caroline Meyer

Many parents base their parenting styles on how they were brought up while some go in the opposite direction. But what happens when both parents have different ideas on how to raise their children? This can cause a lot of tension in the home and confusion for the children. One parent may be lenient and the other a strong disciplinarian. One may be okay with compromising while the other holds firm. This can cause immense strife in the home. 

Decisions on parenting can be deep seated and can come from your culture and religion, your parents, your early socialisation, research you did before becoming a parent and afterwards as well as the community you were brought up in and live in now. You may have decided on exactly how you want to raise your child. There are however, two parents in this relationship and you have to raise your child together. 

There are a number of parenting styles and most parents are a combination of the different types. The Authoritarian parent believes in strict rules and meets out punishment for any infringement of them. They usually will not explain the reason for the rules and are not very responsive to their children. Authoritarians expect unquestioning obedience. While this may result in disciplined children, they are generally unhappy and exhibit low self-esteem and don’t do well socially. The Authoritive parent also lays down strict rules but does allow room for compromise. They will listen to their children’s reasons for infringement and take a lot more nurturing approach. This allows for discipline and co-operation while allowing the child to build self-esteem. 

Permissive parents are generally very indulgent and do not lay down many rules or regulations for their children to follow. They do not make demands and their expectations are usually low. They do not confront their children and behave as if they are friends and not parents. This can result in children that lack maturity and self-control. These children may also rebel against authority. They may also exhibit lower performance levels. The uninvolved parent goes one step further and generally offers no involvement besides basic care. In some cases, the parent may even neglect even the basic needs. Children from this type of home tend to be less confident and less competent than other children of the same age. 

When it comes to your children, there has to be a lot of communication between you and your partner to be able to parent effectively.  Not being able to agree on how to parent your children may result in a rift in your relationship and may even lead to a breakdown in other aspects as well. The inconsistencies in parenting can lead to confusion for the children. When the rules change depending on the parent as to what the child can or can’t do, this can make a child feel they need to take sides. This also leads to manipulation where parents are played off against each other. This can foster dishonesty in the child which is often carried into adulthood. Children may also become stressed and even depressed as a result of the ongoing conflict. 

When it comes to parenting where parents have different styles, there has to be compromise and communication. Parents need to decide on the rules that cannot be negotiated. This can include rules around behaviour and expectations that both parents agree firmly on. All other potential falling out points can then be discussed, and parents can agree how to handle situations in a way that compliments the non-negotiable rules and both parenting styles. Look at the parenting styles of both parents and discuss the reasons why you feel your styles suit the way you want to raise your child. Listen to each other and examine potential points of contention so that you agree on ways of handling it that make both parents comfortable. This also allows you to present a united front to your children. You may also find that your partner’s approach works better in some situations and your does in others. You can use the style that best suits the situation or allow the other parent to deal with certain circumstances instead. You may be more nurturing while your partner may be more authoritive. As an example, this can be beneficial when it comes to dealing with emotional issues where your partner does not feel comfortable, while they can deal with a child refusing to do homework in a more disciplined way. 

Parenting constructively as a unit will allow both parents to practise their parenting styles in different circumstances in most cases. The rest of the time compromise is key. There will need to be specific family values that need to be adhered to and methods of discipline that are agreed upon. This stops every issue from turning into major parental conflict. Any major points of contention should be discussed, and an agreement reached on the approach that will be used. All discussions on parenting should be done out of earshot of children and disagreements should be handled privately. Don’t show a rift in your united stand as parents. Do not allow for manipulation and nip it in the bud if your child tries to play you off against your partner. Make sure that you have clear outlines on expectations and consequences for going against the house rules. Both parents need to carry out the same punishments for the same behaviours to keep things consistent for the child. 

Remember that you may need to parent children differently depending on their age, abilities and personalities. Discuss this with the parent partner so that you both change as needed. In the case of stepparents, blending may be a little difficult to start with. The house rules would still need to be discussed and laid out. The rules need to be the same for biological and stepchildren. Make sure all children are aware of the rules but give them a little leeway during the transition to come to terms with any new rules that may be laid out.  Besides your current partner, you may also need to discuss parenting with the children’s other parents, so everyone is on the same page. This may be a struggle especially where there has been tension between ex-spouses. The main thing is to try and have some consistency. 

You and your partner may have different parenting ideas but when it comes to a happier household, compromise and communication is the first order of business. The children need to feel secure and aware of their boundaries to result in a home with less strife.