KEEPING YOUR MARRIAGE STRONG WHEN YOU HAVE A SPECIAL NEEDS CHILD

Written by Caroline Meyer  

Marriages are not all sunshine and roses. For better or worse may include a lot of “worse”. Marriage takes work and for both partners to step up. When you add kids to the mix, things can get even more complicated. When you add in a child with a disability, the stress is amplified even further.  

You love your child, you love your partner but there is just so much more to deal with when you have a special needs child. Worrying about your child’s health and well-being, visiting therapists and doctors, fighting with the insurance companies, dealing with issues at school. There are so many problems that can cause irritation and stress. This can often result in partners snapping at each other or taking out their frustration on their spouses. 

Taking care of a child with special needs can also be physically exhausting. You may have to do a lot during the day and may also not sleep well at night. Sleep deprivation and tiredness can also make you very grouchy and your partner may take the brunt of your moods.  Sometimes one partner can put so much into the caring of the special needs child that they cut themselves off from their partner. There is minimal interaction and the connection between the two people disintegrates over time.  

Things can be a lot more difficult between partners with a special needs child than in most households. There is often a lack of time and even a lack of finances. You have to accept that this is going to be tough, but as partners, you can use this challenge to develop a stronger partnership instead of letting the struggles push you apart. There are ways you and your partner can increase your bond of marriage even with the added challenges of taking care of a special needs child.  

Parent partners  

Stop being parents all the time, sometimes you need to be partners. Make time during the day to connect to each other as people and use this time to talk to each other about your relationship and each other. Keep the household and children conversations for later. 

Celebrate your differences 

You may not always agree on raising your child or children.  You may argue about the running of your household. You may have different expectations when it comes to treatments for your special needs child. You may even have differences in how you feel about your child’s diagnosis. One view is that you should tolerate the differences between you. A better way is to celebrate the differences. Stand in your partners shoes and embrace their thoughts and emotions. See things from their perspective. You do not have to think alike to love each other. Embracing the differences will also help you reach compromises. 

Be proactive 

If there are household or childcare niggles, don’t let resentment against your partner build up. If either of you needs help, you need to talk to your partner. Sometimes just having the discussion will be enough to resolve the little issues which could have become ticking time bombs in your relationship. Don’t get angry. Have a conversation, not a shouting match and you are more likely to sort things out. 

Don’t lose that loving feeling 

You may not be able to schedule a date night once a week, but that does not mean you can’t be romantic. You may have to be a little more creative, but the benefits far outweigh the input. Take a candle-lit bath together. Spend a few minutes sitting on the swing together holding hands. Don’t be afraid of little hugs and glances of affection. You have to make time for each other. As difficult as it can be, you need each other and making sure your bond is strong will help make your relationship last. 

Appreciate each other 

You both need to be involved in the care of the special needs child. While one partner may need to take on extra burdens with regard to therapy and caring directly for the child, the other partner can take up the slack in other ways. Both parents need to be involved with the child, besides developing a bond with your child, it is important to give your partner a break now and then. Appreciate what you both do in the home and out. Say thank you and give credit where it is due. Knowing you are loved and appreciated by your partner makes you feel more united. 

A marriage is a journey meant for two people. The challenges and struggles belong to both of you, in the same way as the celebrations and good times do. Love your children together, but never forget that you are partners too. Make time for each other, appreciate each other and work together to overcome all obstacles.