
NAUGHTY OR NORMAL?
Written by Caroline Meyer
There are many behaviours that we might see as naughty that may actually be quite normal. These can be unwanted behaviours as a result of a developmental phase or due to the environment they are in. These behaviours require proactive intervention and compassion instead of punishment. Let’s look at a few of these behaviours.
CORE CONDITIONS
Some behaviours are linked to core conditions such as thirst, hunger, tiredness or illness. Little children are not always able to recognize the core conditions and have difficulty managing their emotions and behaviours. They may act out inappropriately as they are unable to communicate their needs. You may notice your child is grumpy and may act out a little while before mealtime. This can be as a direct result of feeling hungry and being unable to let you know. There may be big changes in behaviour when a child is ill or before bedtime. If behaviours fluctuate at different times, try and find out if there isn’t something behind the behaviour and not just a child being naughty.
OVERSTIMULATION
Have you ever noticed that there are almost always screaming kids in the grocery stores? Often little ones have already been exposed to a number of other activities prior to going shopping. They become overstimulated and sometimes even tired as well. Rushing around without any downtime can make children lash out and behave inappropriately as they are not able to communicate how they feel. Cut down on activities, make sure kids have rest and enough quiet time in between activities to allow them to cope and not become overstimulated. This should prevent the behaviours from being asserted.
NO IMPULSE CONTROL
Studies show that there is a region of the brain that is directly involved in impulse control. This area is immature to start with and develops slowly over time. It is only matured at the end of the adolescent stage of growth. This is often why kids under the age of 4 are unable to resist doing something even when they have been told they must do. Being able to resist temptation is very hard for toddlers and younger. While this behaviour can come across as naughty, it is generally due to the lack of impulse control. We need to be aware of this and empathise with our little ones instead of being upset by the behaviour. Using games that require the child to wait for their turn is a good way to start developing impulse control. You can start this with youngsters by rolling a ball back and forth so that the child has to wait to receive the ball before rolling it back.
THE EXPRESSION OF EMOTION
As we mature, we learn to subjugate, hide and defuse emotions that can overwhelm us. Kids have not yet learned to do so. They may instead act out by crying, screaming, yelling and throwing tantrums. The best way to deal with these behaviours is to ignore it where possible and try and talk to the child about how they feel once they calm down. You can help your child express these emotions constructively by reading them books where the characters have feelings and even expressing your own feelings in words when things happen at home. Being able to label the emotion and communicate it to others will go a long way to defusing situations where emotions are running amok. Once your child is calmer, you can also discuss ways of doing things that can help fix the cause of the emotion. Even if it is not possible to completely remove the source of the emotion, kids can learn ways of coping with them instead. Validate their emotions and offer appropriate strategies to deal with it instead of inappropriate behaviours.
KIDS CANNOT SIT STILL
There is a genuine developmental need for movement. Kids are naturally energetic and want to be moving. This can result in frustration for parent and child. This is not being naughty, but part of their physical needs while developing. You can teach patience and how to wait by starting with small steps and explaining why they need to wait. Use a timer so that they know when a task will start or end. See when they are at their peak of energy explosions for the day and use this time for outdoor play, going to the park or other activities where they can burn off some of the excess energy. Kids also have a need to play. This is often how they learn. This can lead them to playing when they should be doing something else or ignoring instructions as they are doing something fun. Build in playtime with your child into the daily routine so they will not interrupt daily activities with a demand to play quite as often.
A BID FOR INDEPENDENCE
Young children will start trying to do things for themselves. They will start devising plans and attempt to carry them out. This is not usually to be naughty or behave badly, but simply a need to assert themselves. As parents this can be difficult when a toddler wants to dress themselves in clothing that is not suitable for the occasion and takes twice as long as it would for you to dress them. Finding your little one with a scissors and hair cut into an interesting new style can be quite alarming. They may carry out plans without thinking of the consequences, but they are not necessarily being naughty. Becoming independent is part of normal development. Allow your child to make choices to help them become confident in their own decision making. Instead of letting them choose from their entire wardrobe, pack out 2 to 3 appropriate choices and allow them to choose the one they prefer to wear. This is a win-win for both parent and child.
IT MAY BE THEIR NATURE
Some children are less sensitive than others, some are moodier. Some pick up cues from others, some don’t. Some may do well in some areas but battle in others. Some take criticism well, while others struggle. Some kids don’t like to take chances or try anything new while others will jump in feet first. Look at your child’s strengths and weaknesses and realise that some of the behaviours they exhibit is as a direct result of their inherent nature. Be understanding of their character and help them find ways of mitigating their behaviour that you want to remedy. Sometimes you have to just let them be.
THEY MAY RESPOND TO YOUR MOOD
Kids pick up on your mood very easily and may emulate them. If you are joyful and happy, you may find your child behaves in a happier, more light-hearted way. If you are always grumpy and unhappy, you may have a child that is excessively moody. Your kids will often look to you on how to behave in situations as well, so learn to defuse your own anger and frustration and lighten your own mood and it may also have a beneficial outcome for your child.
INCONSISTENT PARENTING
All children need boundaries and limits. Parents have to be consistent if they want children to learn to cope with the limits placed. You can’t offer choices one day and insist on no choices the following day. You can’t give in to the child’s demands one day and punish them when they protest the next day when you don’t give them what they want. Decide the limits and boundaries and lay them out to the kids, age appropriately. Then stick to your guns! Consistency is key.
Be compassionate and empathetic and help your child grow and thrive through some of the really difficult developmental stages of their lives. Parent consistently and help your child deal with their energy and emotions. This will result in a lot less “bad” behaviour and a well-rounded child.