PARENTING TIPS FOR SEPARATED DADS
Written by Caroline Meyer
Separation and divorce is hard on the parents and the children. As a dad that is dealing with sadness, loneliness, anger, confusion and other emotions that may accompany a breakup of a relationship, it may be very hard to put on a positive front for the children. You want to be a good Dad, but it may seem very difficult to adjust to the new paradigm, especially if you and your ex are not getting on at all. For some Dads there is no contact with the children after a split which can be quite difficult to deal with as well, but we are going to address options for Dads that do have some involvement with their children.
DON’T PUT THE CHILDREN IN THE MIDDLE
Children have a risk of psychological damage from witnessing physical violence as well as verbal assault between parents. Try and improve the relationship with your ex to the point where you are able to maintain a cordial relationship in front of the children. Resolve conflicts in a civil manner, out of earshot of the kids. They do not need to be in the middle of your arguments and definitely do not need to be forced to choose sides. If you are unable to be civil to each other, make use of a go between for collecting and dropping off of children or pick up and drop them off at school. Use notes or a book to pass along messages related to the child’s well-being or a change in schedule etc. If this does not work, seek out a mediator to help the both of you remain calm when dealing with the other. Do you best to keep your cool and speak to your ex-partner as if they are a work colleague so that you remain civil without letting emotion cause discussions to degenerate into a fight. Do not get the child to carry messages to the other parent. Do not undermine the other parent’s authority and do not run them down in front of the child. Placing your child in a tug-o-war situation will only harm the child which may even lead to them resenting you.
BE INVOLVED IN THEIR LIVES
Having input from a Dad helps a child build moral strength, self-esteem, social and intellectual competence. Dads also get to enjoy psychological growth, emotional growth and improved well-being from positive interactions with their children. You can be involved in their school activities, watch them playing sport, attending functions as well as parent/teacher interviews. Attend extracurricular functions such as dance recitals, plays, karate, soccer matches and so forth. Show interest in their hobbies and listen to them when they tell you about their lives. When they are not with you, you can send them texts, emails, voice notes or phone them to stay in contact. Celebrate birthdays with them, even if it is not on the exact day.
LET THEM KNOW YOU LOVE THEM
Children often think they are the cause of their parents splitting up and that they did something to cause it. You need to explain that you both still love them very much and that this is something between the adults. They need to know they are not to blame and that you still fully support and cherish them. Reassure them with words but also with hugs. Give them emotional support as well as always being open to their questions.
IF POSSIBLE, HAVE A PARENTING PLAN WITH YOUR EX-PARTNER
It will make things a lot easier for the children if both parents agree to certain basics when it comes to the child’s upbringing. Discipline in both homes should be similar and routines such as bedtimes, homework etc. should be kept consistent as far as possible. This will maintain discipline while helping the children feel more secure. If rules are consistent and clear, there is far less uncertainty and children know how to behave no matter whose house they are at. If you cannot come to an agreement, you may want to consult a mediator to assist in putting together a shared parenting plan.
After the separation or divorce, you need to try and stay close enough to the home you shared with your partner so that you can remain involved in the life of your children. This will help your connection with your children and give them some stability as well. This may sometimes be impossible due to work and other commitments, but if it is at all possible, try and stay nearby.
YOUR OBLIGATIONS
If your ex-spouse is the custodial parent, you will be responsible to provide child support for your children. It is important that you keep up these payments as there can be serious consequences to not paying. Should you have problems with payment due to a change in circumstances after the separation, you need to look in to how this can be sorted out legally instead of just skipping payments.
Make sure that the time spent with your children is positive without having to make grand gestures every time you are together. You don’t have to throw a party or take them to the ice-rink every time they visit. Just spend quality time together, whether it is cooking dinner together, playing board games or having a karaoke night at home. Your children will appreciate your time and your love and this is what makes the time together memorable, not what you bought them or where you took them. Enjoy the time together and let them know they are loved.