SHOULD YOU FIGHT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS?
Written by Jana Angeles
Remember the days where your parents used to fight? It may have gotten ugly, with broken ornaments scattered everywhere, slamming doors and tears to end the night. It’s not a pretty sight having fights with your partner and it’s definitely not something your children should see if things do get ugly. While fighting in front of your kids may be discouraged, there may be upsides to your children seeing a constructive argument between you and your partner. Here are some of the things that could happen after you have finished up arguing:
You show your kids that you disagree
Relationships are built to withstand the obstacles you face together. It’s unhealthy if you and your partner rarely fight. There may be some suppressed feelings/anger you have kept from them for a long time; things that have been irritating you but haven’t mustered up the courage to tell it how it is. Consider the upside of disagreeing as it shows your children that even couples who appear strong have had to fight some tough battles together. Disagreeing in a constructive and healthy way can show your children that it is okay to express your emotions in an honest and sincere way. If you are angry at your partner, this will help your children avoid internalising any anger they may feel and recognise that it’s much healthier to let it all out.
It teaches you and your partner to explain how arguments work
Your children may be curious about the argument and what started it in the first place. Having a good handle on this may suggest to you and your partner that you aren’t leaving them out of the situation entirely. This doesn’t mean you have to explain in full context why you had a fight with each other. You can just say, “We had a fight with mum/dad because we disagreed on something but we talked it out and we are okay.” Reassuring your child that you are not on the verge of a relationship breakdown can help them understand that these things just simply happen in due course.
This will teach them the importance of listening
A healthy argument requires understanding each others perspective. You and your partner may disagree about something controversial like politics, religion and current affairs. It gives your children the opportunity to see that just because you are disagreeing on something, doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t love each other anymore. If you are listening to each other’s perspectives and respectfully saying some valid arguments/opinions, this can help your child understand the importance of listening respectfully regardless of that person’s stance.
WHAT NOT TO DO
While we have mentioned the positives of arguing above, here are some of the things you and your partner shouldn’t do while having a disagreement:
- Verbal/physical abuse: This can be traumatic for your children to see. Calling each other mean things and throwing objects around the house will only end in regret. It also does not set a good example of showing respect to one another. It will also impact your child’s emotional well being in a negative way, which could make them feel like home is an unstable place to go to if this happens everyday.
- Asking your children to take sides: You are full-grown adults and having your children take sides in an argument will only cause more problems. Remember the argument is between you and your partner. You shouldn’t let your children be involved in your disagreement in the first place.
- Argue when the kids are awake: If you know that you and your partner are having a heated argument, avoid doing it while your kids are awake. This can help them stop feeling anxious or worried about both of you. If the kids are awake, relocate into another room and have a discussion there instead. It would be a good idea if they were busy doing an activity, either playing with their toys or drawing.
Fighting in front of your kids isn’t necessarily a bad thing if you are having a healthy debate over something, but when you know it will get into a heated argument, just remember to respect your children and move it elsewhere. Just because you fight as a couple doesn’t mean you and your partner no longer love each other anymore. It just means you care enough to work out your differences together.