SURVIVING AS A SINGLE PARENT

Written by Caroline Meyer

Just because you are a single parent does not mean that your children need to fare more harshly in the world that those raised by two parental figures or more. Your child can do just as well in school and be stable mentally and emotionally. If you are a responsive parent that nurtures and supports you child will thrive.  Yes, you will make mistakes, everyone does. Realise that you are not perfect and learn from your mistakes. Know how you want to raise your child and stick to the rules and regulations in your own home. Having firm boundaries make a child feel safer. Try and remain consistent and if the other parent has custody as well, try and get them to stick to the general family rules. Support from friends and family can also be great when you are raising one or more children without backup from a second parent.  

During a separation and divorce children may struggle to deal with emotions. The strong emotions coming from the parents may also exacerbate the problem.  Sit your child down and explain to them that they are loved. They need to know the separation is not their fault and even though mum and dad can’t work things out it doesn’t mean that they are loved less.  

To build a positive relationship with your children you can find ways to nurture them and make them feel loved and secure.  Makes sure to spend quality time with your child daily. Bedtime stories are great for this, but you could also play games or sing in the car, have your child use their imagination and tell you a story over dinner. Make the most of the time you have together.  Make sure that you show interest in your child. Find out what books they like, what sports interest them or simple things such as their favourite colour or foods. If you have more than one child, make sure to have some one-on-one time together too and give individual attention. 

Try and keep the attention positive as much as possible. Laugh together. Give them a hug goodbye when you drop them and a smile when you pick them up from school or day-care. They need to know you are happy to see them. During stressful times, your children may act up and you may find it difficult to cope with the bad behaviour. If your usual boundary setting and discipline is not working to correct the problem, you may want to speak to your doctor about recommending someone to help your child work through their emotions.  You can also try encouraging your child to talk about how they feel instead of acting out. Acknowledge how they feel but do not condone unacceptable behaviour such as hitting, biting, screaming, swearing and so forth. 

Not every problem needs to be addressed as a crisis. As a single parent, disciplining may be exhausting after a full day of work. You may need to pick your battles.  As long as there is no major violation of the house rules, you may be able to let some things slide a little. When you don’t sweat the small stuff, you have more energy to deal with bigger issues. If no one is getting hurt, you might want to take a breath, stay calm and save your energy for the mountains instead of spending it on the mole hills. Keeping a balance can be difficult. You don’t want to be too harsh and spend all your time screaming or punishing your children. You also don’t want to let things go that are important simply to keep the peace. It is very important to instil discipline and good behaviour in the home and out. You have to learn to react in a calm fashion but carry through on punishments where they are needed.  This will save you tons of headaches later on.  You are your child’s role model, so how you behave also lays a foundation for their future behaviour. 

While you might want to hide your emotions from your children when you are feeling angry, sad or stressed out, they are likely to see this sometimes. Your child needs to know that it is normal for everyone to feel emotions, both positive and negative. Let your child know that how you are feeling is not due to anything they have done. Reassure them and let them know how much they are loved. You can be a bit more honest as to how you are feeling and why when your children are older and better able to understand, but for little ones this can be frightening and difficult to take in. When you can express how you feel to the older child, it may also help them put how they feel into words instead of acting out. For the most part, until your children are in their late teens, avoid more adult conversations. Little ones won’t understand issues such as infidelity, financial problems and so forth and may feel high levels of anxiety trying to understand. Save these discussions for adult friends or trusted family members.  If you do not have a good support network there are also parenting and support helplines you could contact or even a session or two with a therapist to get some of your emotions out in private. 

Remember though, as tough as it may seem sometimes, it is worth it to raise a happy, healthy child into a well-adjusted adult. Love and support go a long way to helping your children adjust to the changes in their life. You will probably find concentrating on your kids and enjoying all the love and cuddles will also go a long way to helping you heal.