TALKING ABOUT DIFFICULT TOPICS

Written by Caroline Meyer

Children are exposed to a lot more horrific subjects due to media and internet access. This can leave them afraid, confused and traumatized. As parents, we have to be able to talk to them about the harshest of topics in ways they can understand. Parents have to be able to answer questions to allay fears and help little ones make sense of it all.   

Topics such as their bike getting stolen or a favourite toy being chewed up by the dog can be difficult enough to put into perspective for a child. Major issues such as drugs, racism, violence, natural disasters and death can seem like impossible topics to broach. That being said, it is important for parents to deal with these tough realities and teach your child about the world. This strengthens your bond with your child and can help them feel more secure. Encourage them to ask questions and look deeper into topics. This will help them think critically and not believe all the sensationalism and hype that is common today. We may not be able to resolve many of the problems in the world today but we can help our kids build strong characters. We can teach them to empathise and show compassion. Knowledge also gives them power in a world that is full of deceit.  

When your child is exposed to something that is unsettling or scary, encourage them to come to you to talk about it. It may be quite uncomfortable for you as well, but base answers on what they can absorb at the age they are at and ensure they can understand the replies to their questions. Children absorb information differently at different stages of development. Looking at how they perceive the world at a certain way allows you to give them information in ways they can understand. You obviously also need to take your child’s personality into account. For this you will need to use your own judgement about how in-depth you want to go and how much you want to share on the topic.  

From around the age of 2 up to the age of 6 little ones don’t have much life experience and will have difficulty in understanding some of the concepts when it comes to talking about difficult topics. They also don’t understand cause and effect very well at this point. Their point of view is centred on themselves and those that are closest to them. It is best to avoid as much media exposure as possible, but this is not always possible. There may also be harsh realities such as the loss of a pet or a grandparent as an example and explaining why they can’t see them anymore can be tough to explain. If you are grieving, they may also not understand and think they did something to upset you. For children at this point of development, they need reassurance both with gestures and words. Hug them and assure them they are safe and loved. Tell them that it is okay to feel scared, confused or sad. Tell them about your feelings too, and assure them they are not the cause. You can also ask them what they think about what has happened to see how much they understand before you further with the discussion. Keep explanations simple and easy to understand.  

Avoid using words that show bias such as “fat man”, “homeless person”, “black woman” and so forth. Ethnicity, sexuality, financial status, body size or looks should not be brought into the discussion unless it is directly relevant such as with a hate crime.   

Find out what they know. Your kids might not understand the issue very well. Ask them what they think happened before giving them any imagery. Use language and ideas that are familiar and easy to understand. For example, a robbery can be related back to when someone stole the child’s jacket at school, so they can empathise on a basic level. Use terms such as “happy”, “sad”, “afraid”, “mad” and similar terms relating to feelings so they can understand the emotions. Be as literal as possible and avoid using metaphors or idiomatic expressions such as “he went nuts”, as they are not likely to understand what this means. Let them know that the situation is under control and that there is someone dealing with it. This will help them feel safer.  

It is never easy to discuss harsh topics with little ones and where possible it is better to leave these until they are older and can understand a bit better. Where they have been exposed to traumatic or disturbing situations, it is important to help them feel safe and secure and limit the trauma. If necessary, seek professional help to assist a child in dealing with a traumatic event.