TALKING TO A FRIEND ABOUT THEIR PARENTING STYLE

Written by Caroline Meyer

It’s important to remember that all parents will parent their children differently. How you raise your child may not be the same as the way your friend raises there. You may be a stern disciplinarian while your friend may be a lot more relaxed in their parenting style.  You may allow your child snacks while your vegan friend only allows cucumber and carrot sticks.  It is fine for you and your friend to differ in how you raise your kids. The only time it would be acceptable to try and step in and have them change their parenting style is when the children are suffering under the current method. 

Going about it may be quite difficult and you may be told to mind your own business. They may be a lot of tension and you may even lose the friendship should the discussion go awry. Stepping in when you think there is a need can lead to a lot of backlash and hurt. It is not recommended that you tell someone else how to parent without them asking, unless there is actual potential harm to a child. 

Make sure that you are sure about the situation and not just jumping to conclusions. Are you being judgemental based on your own opinion or is actual harm being done? Doing things in ways that are not the same as you may not be harmful, just different. Set an example by your parenting. If your friend swears at their child or gets impatient, try and be the role model by parenting the way you prefer in their presence. When your friend is at your home, let her know that her kids are under the same rules as your own. Don’t allow inappropriate behaviour in your own home. This may help your friend and her children while not changing the way you parent your own child. Instead of criticising, set a positive example and hope she will learn from it. 

One of the hardest ways to deal with the situation is to confront your friend and have a discussion on the issues. Sometimes a parent may not realise how their parenting is perceived by others. Talking to her calmly without judgement may help her see how others see things. This may help her better perceive the harm she may be doing her children and hopefully get her to change some of her behaviours. This also then allows her to explain why she does some of the things she does, which will give you more insight into her parenting style as well. 

If the child is in danger and there is actual physical or emotional abuse withing the home and your friend is not likely to change her behaviour or even if the abuse is from another adult in the household, you may want to contact the authorities. People will often report neglect and sometimes physical abuse, but most will not seek help for the child when there are other concerns such as emotional and even suspected sexual abuse.  This should always be done with the child in mind but you also need to be aware that this can have serious repercussions. Only ever report where there is actual serious abuse suspected. Don’t hold off reporting because it is a friend or family member involved. The children should always be first priority in these situations.