TEACHING YOUR TODDLER INDEPENDENCE
Written by Liza John
Independence is a concept that must be learned early in life to be a functional adult. As your infant gains more control over their faculties and develops into a toddler, they are likely to want to use all the abilities that they possess now in a way they please. This transition time is difficult for both the caregivers and the children because of the power struggles that arise. The key to effectively parenting children in this stage is to maintain a balance between being restrictive and negligent.
Since toddlerhood is most likened to adolescence due to the similarity in developmentally appropriate issues, resolving dependence and promoting independence with a healthy attachment is what you should aim for.
Starting Early
While your child may only visibly strive for independence from their terrible twos, you can get started on easing the process earlier. To be an independent child without feeling neglected by the parents, a child needs to know that their parents will be there for them even if they are not physically present.
An exercise to see if your child is separation-sensitive or securely attached to you is by playing a game of hide-and-seek. Around the age of nine months is the best time to try this out because babies of this age can be easily taught that their parent exists even if they are not facing each other.
Directions vs. Statements
During the age of 3 and 4, children make steady progress in their language acquisition. More words enter their vocabulary and children are not afraid to speak out their minds. This leads to most requests by parents being met with a resounding ‘NO!’ One way to work around this issue without smothering your toddler is by framing your requests correctly.
If your request is something that has to be done, frame it as a statement that offers no out whereas if your request can involve some compromise, frame it as a question with choices. For example, you can say, ‘Put on your coat before leaving,’ and it brooks no argument. At the same time, you can ask if the child wants to wear a blue shirt or a red one before going out. This can give them a sense of control over things.
Limited Choices
Every parent hope’s that their child has endless opportunities and unlimited choices in life. While that is an understandable wish, your toddler will not function well with too many options. If you need your child to be independent without giving over too much power, you need to give your child a few desirable options from which they can choose.
For instance, if you have established that your child must have fruit at breakfast, when they try to get out of eating it, you can make them choose between apples, grapes, or plums, but they must pick one. This way your child feels like they have control of the situation without being overly restricted or smothered.
Establishing Social Connections
Some children have slow development of independence from their parents or primary caregivers. This can be because the caregiver provides them with comfort that is much needed while dealing with stressful situations. So, when the parents drop their child off at the day-care centre or school, they get distressed because they have no source of comfort in the highly stressful condition.
Combating this issue is relatively easy but can be time-consuming. What you need to do as a parent is to make sure that the child has good relationships with people apart from the parents. Take an instance of dropping off your child to spend some time with their grandparents. They can build a rapport with someone other than their primary caregivers and this can reduce the distress they face when separated from each other. Learning to depend on various members of society for different purposes is important in the emotional growth of a child.
Hand Over Responsibilities
Learning occurs best when there is some practical aspect attached to it and being independent is no different. Once you see that your child has enough skills to perform a chore or complete a task, assign to them after directing them on how to do it. If your toddler can pick up their toys and put them back in place, make sure that they clean their playpen on their own. If you have a pet, your child can be taught how to feed the pet and this can be their chore.
No matter how the results turn out to be, always appreciate the efforts or your child’s self-esteem will take a hit. You can also collaborate with your child on tasks so that your relationship remains healthy.
Final Thoughts
Learning to be independent can be tough. More than being a disciplinarian who enforces rules, try to be a facilitator in this endeavour. Create a safe environment in which your child feels safe enough to attempt new things on their own. Let them voice their thoughts about the process of learning and you can make improvements from there.