Telling your Toddler that You are Pregnant
Most young toddlers don’t have the vocabulary or cognitive ability to understand that there’s a baby growing inside of their mummy. Nothing you say to a pre-verbal toddler will mean much to them until they see the baby.
A child younger than 18 months is unlikely to notice you’re pregnant until well into your third trimester, if at all. If your child is starting to talk and engage in pretend play, they’ll be slightly better able to imagine a baby before they arrive. For children this age, there’s no need to make an announcement.
If your child is 18 months or older, you can tell them about your pregnancy once it’s well established and you have a noticeable bump. Your pregnancy will make a little more sense to them if they can see some evidence.
You’ll probably want to let them know at about the same time you announce your pregnancy to the rest of the world. Once you’ve told your child, they’ll want to share the news (you can’t expect a toddler to keep a secret).
And once you’ve told all your friends and family, it’ll be much harder to keep the information from your child because people will want to congratulate you and talk about the pregnancy. It’s best if your child hears about a new sibling from you and not from the neighbours.
If you have to explain why you’re nauseated, achy, or fatigued before you’re ready to announce the pregnancy, it’s fine to just tell your child that you’re tired or not feeling well. In any case, it’s better not to attribute your symptoms to the pregnancy so they don’t blame the new baby for making you feel sick or unable to play.
When you’re ready to tell, choose a time to talk about it when your child is relaxed and not dealing with any distractions or other stressful changes, such as starting day-care or getting over a cold. Find a calm period when they’ll have time to process the news and ask questions—avoid transition times like bedtime or day-care drop-off. If possible, have both parents there.
What if I have a miscarriage after I’ve broken the news?
In the unlikely event that you lose the pregnancy, you can explain to your child that this baby wasn’t able to grow big enough to be born and that later on you might try to grow a baby again.
It’s fine if they see you crying a little or looking sad. They may also express sadness or confusion, probably more because they are mirroring your behaviour than feeling a sense of loss themselves.
You can help them manage their feelings by listening to them and taking care of yourself emotionally and physically so that they can see you feeling better too.
How should I break the news?
Before you tell your child about the pregnancy, you can start laying the groundwork. You might want to read them some of the many children’s books about babies or siblings. Or you might talk about some of your child’s friends and their younger siblings and then say, “Someday you may have a little brother or sister, too.”
Toddlers love to hear about what they were like when they were babies. You can tell your child how you burped them after they ate, how they took lots of naps, and when they took their first step. That will help them understand what it will be like to have a new baby around.
When you’re ready to tell your child about the pregnancy, keep the language positive, simple, and straightforward. For example, “Right now, there’s a baby growing inside Mommy. You are going to have a little sister (or brother) next spring.” Keep in mind that toddlers don’t have much concept of time.
How are they likely to react?
Your toddler may not seem too interested in your news. Don’t be surprised if you make your big announcement and they just want to show you how they can jump off the couch. This doesn’t mean they aren’t interested. They simply need the situation to be more tangible before they can really understand it.
If your toddler seems excited, you may want to suggest that they be the one to help tell Grandma and Grandpa or some other important person. Even if that person already knows about the pregnancy, your child will feel like they have an important role in letting the rest of the world know about their new sibling.
If your child seems confused or upset about your news, say “It looks like you’re feeling sad. Would you like me to hold you?”
Listen to their ideas and let them know that their feelings are okay with you. If you accept your child’s difficult feelings, it will be much easier for them to realize that they also have excited feelings.
After that, let your child decide how much more information they want. You don’t need to overload them with facts if they are not interested.