TODDLER DISCIPLINE: WHAT WORKS?
Written by Caroline Meyer
TODDLER DISCIPLINE: WHAT WORKS?
Discipline in the early years of your child’s life can be complicated and quite vexing. Trying to curb the temper tantrums especially in public or trying to explain to your toddler why they should or should not do something can end up as a contest of wills. Your baby is growing up and wants to be a little individual. They want to be independent, but they are not yet able to reason or communicate very well. They do not think rationally and their self-control is very limited. They also get frustrated quite easily leading to what can be a volatile combination. This makes it challenging to parents to be able to instil boundaries and limits while still allowing their toddler some autonomy to develop on a personal level.
BE CONSISTENT
The world seems chaotic and unpredictable to a small child and they cannot take the changes in their stride the way adults can. Establishing some routine and order allows the toddler to feel more safe and secure. This leads to calmer, better behaved children as they know what to expect. Sticking to a daily routine of meals, naptimes, bedtimes, playtime and so forth gives a child consistency, making them feel there is some predictability and tends to lead to less stress. Where the routine changes, it is important to try and prepare your toddler for the change before it happens. When it comes to limits and boundaries, you also need to be consistent. Both partners need to be on-board and the message needs to be consistent. If you threaten a punishment, after the 1st warning, carry out the discipline (make sure it is age appropriate, such as a time out) and explain why they are being disciplined. Consistently disciplining for the same things and carrying out the punishment each time will allow a child to understand there are consequences for their actions. Proper limits also give a child a sense of security as they learn what is or is not acceptable behaviour.
CUT DOWN ON STRESS
Each child will have different triggers that cause outbursts. These can include sleepiness, hunger, thirst and even a change of environment. This means that you have to adjust your schedule to avoid potential triggers. Don’t take your child shopping just before mealtimes or naptimes. Rather go afterwards and take along something to drink to avoid thirst. Try and limit your rushing around to the minimum and avoid changing the environment too many times in one trip if you know this is a trigger for your little one. You can also take snack with to avoid hunger tantrums. Keep the excursions short. Plan ahead so you have ample time to avoid the stress of rushing to get somewhere at a specific time. Talk out loud to your toddler of what is going to happen next. This makes the transition easier for them as they understand a lot more than they are able to verbalise.
ADJUST TO THEIR PERSPECTIVE
We take a lot for granted that may be difficult for a toddler to comprehend. Adjusting your perspective to that of your toddler can ward off many arguments and tantrums. Validate their feelings such as that of frustration while explaining why certain limits are in place or why specific behaviours are necessary. In this way you help them learn rules and regulations and to cope with frustration that is unavoidable. You can also offer choices to allow a toddler to feel more in control of the situation. Simple choices such as picking between 2 shirts to wear or which snack to take with for the care journey can go a long way to making the situation feel manageable for your child.
DISTRACT, DISTRACT, DISTRACT
Toddlers have a much shorter attention span that adults and are much easier to distract. If your toddler is doing something annoying and is not responding to verbal commands to stop, you can try distracting them with a different task instead. If they have favourite things they enjoy doing, you can use these to divert their attention from the annoying activity to something more acceptable. You can also try an environment change to distract them such as going in to the garden instead of playing with a ball in the kitchen.
STAY CALM
This can be quite a trying time as your toddler pushes boundaries daily and regular tantrums can be enough to push you over the edge. Losing control will only result in an even more stressful situation and very little resolution will result. Calm down, count to ten if need be, don’t vent your own anger as it will only make things worse. Avoid becoming emotional and where possible, ignore behaviour such as tantrums or screaming fits. They will eventually tire of it when they see they are not going to get their way. Don’t let spates of bad behaviour drive you to physical punishment. We want to avoid teaching a child that violence is an acceptable way to handle things. They need to find ways to cope with frustration and you need to control your emotions and stick to your usual methods of ignoring the behaviour or acceptable discipline as per your house rules.
LET IT GO
Does it really matter if they wear the red shirt instead of the blue shirt to pre-school? Some things are not negotiable such as eating, getting dressed, brushing teeth and car safety. Some things are a definite no-no, such as biting, hitting, kicking and hair-pulling or dangerous behaviour such as running in to the street. Some issues are not worth the arguments and tantrums though. Let them have their way when it does not matter such as wearing a towel as a cape to run around the house or wanting to play in the bath for a few more minutes. Pick your battles so you can focus on the important stuff and let it go when it comes to the small stuff.
Yes it is going to be tough, but that is part of the joy of being a parent. Watching a little person grow and develop into being their own person. Remember to praise them for good behaviour and reward for improving on things so that they are encouraged to display better behaviour. Allow them to flourish and grow and hopefully the toddler years will prepare you for the teenage years yet to come.