TOXIC HABITS THAT ARE ACCEPTED AS NORMAL

Written by Caroline Meyer

There are tons of books written on sex, marriage and relationships. None of these set us up to be good partners though.  Most of the movies we watch portray fairy-tale-like relationships or dysfunctional ones. They set unreasonable standards or set us up for failure if we try to emulate them. Books and movies on love and relationships generally by-pass unconventional relationships and sexualities and ignore the routine and practical. People are pigeon-holed in to categories and partners are often seen as trophies instead of being partners. For many people, looking to their parents doesn’t help to find a relationship that is healthy or relatable either.  So what do you do? There are many new studies done that look at happy, healthy relationships and what has been discovered is that there are some general principles that result in relationship failure. They may not be what you would expect.  

KEEPING SCORE  

This is when one or both partners keep track of every wrongdoing or mistake the other partner has made.  Whenever there is an argument or even a difference of opinion, these failures are brought up over and over.  These failures are often used to justify bad behaviour by the other partner. For example, you were caught messaging sexual messages to a friend online, but you justify it by reminding your partner that they were flirting with your best friend three years ago. This is a very toxic thing to do in a relationship.  All this does is build up bitterness and your partner will feel manipulated by your guilt-tripping. This also prevents you and your partner from dealing with the current issues as well as letting go of the past. This ends up with one-upmanship where both people deflect their mistakes on to the partner and no conflict gets resolved. No one moves on and the relationship eventually breaks down.  

Constructive resolution to keeping score includes dealing with only the issue at hand without dredging up previous issues unless they are directly connected. Move on from past mistakes and do not use your partner’s errors as an excuse to commit your own.  Forgive, forget and move on. If you can’t do this, you can’t accept your partner as they are and the relationship is unlikely to succeed.  

BEING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE  

While some people are more sensitive and will pick up on cues, many people will not. Throwing out hints or finding ways to annoy your partner instead of coming out and discussing what is upsetting you can make for a very uncomfortable relationship. You need to be able to communicate with your partner without fear of retaliation. If your relationship is open and honest, there should never be a reason to try get your point across using suggestions and hints. Talk it out instead. A partner who supports you will validate your feelings, even if they do not agree or are not necessarily responsible for those feelings. They can then offer their own input, which you would see as equally valid. In this way, feelings are expressed and improvements can be made.  

THREATENING TO BREAK UP  

Some people will use the threat of ending the relationship as blackmail to get their own way in a relationship or as a way to refute a complaint or criticism from their partner.  This type of emotional blackmail creates a lot of tension and drama in a relationship. Even the slightest issue can lead to a commitment crisis. Both partners need to learn how to deal with negatives in the relationship and communicate effectively without threatening the continuance of the relationship. Constant drama and threats of a breakup will ultimately culminate in just that.  

MISPLACED BLAME  

You have valid feelings, your partner has valid feelings but blaming each other for your feelings is not okay. There may be lack of support for your emotions sometimes, perhaps due to your partner also having a hard day, being distracted or even fatigued. This does not mean that you can then lash out and blame them for how you are feeling. Take ownership of your emotions and discuss with your partner ways of supporting each other emotionally. This stops your partnership turning into a co-dependent relationship where you rely on your partner to make you feel better and cannot cope with your own feelings. This leads to selfishness and resentment and can cause intense bitterness in a relationship. Learn to be supportive of each other without be obligated to “fix” the emotions of the other person.  

JEALOUSY  

Invading your partner’s personal space, monitoring who they talk to, their social media interactions and interpreting everything as a threat to your relationship can be very damaging.  Turning your feelings of jealousy against your partner and attempting to control their behaviour leads to an extremely toxic situation. This is not affection and excessive jealousy is not healthy. It is controlling and manipulative and displays a lack of trust in the relationship. This kind of behaviour leads to discord and drama and is very demeaning to the partner that is being mistrusted. A relationship does not work without trust. Mild jealousy is natural but excessive jealousy means that you need to work on your own insecurities and trust issues. Being jealous to the extent that it becomes a problem can lead to a severe breakdown in the relationship and more than likely the failure of it in the long run.  

Communication is key. Talking openly and honestly is the best way to make a relationship work. It is nice to spoil your partner now and then, but don’t use a gift or a meal out as a way of avoiding the conflict and looking for forgiveness. The problems will only rear their ugly heads at another time. Talk it out and resolve the conflict and look forward to a healthier, happier, long-term relationship.